Last Year's Resolutions

So every year I tend to go back and reflect on the last year's resolutions, and then make up resolutions for the new year.

2012, for the most part, was kind of hellish. Fuck it with a stick, is the nice way to put it.

Here were my resolutions:

-Try to quit smoking and move fully to electronic cigarettes

Well, I didn't do this at all. I mean, call it an excuse, which it is, but this did not feel like the year to quit smoking to me at all, the level of stress I had. But I did come to terms with being a smoker, which is something. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?

-Get my divorce finalized

This I did. I have the paperwork in my hot little hands, and I'm finally free of that marriage. I'd glad, as that dragged out for a really long time and it's nice to be done with it.

-Create a new website and have a banner created

Hey look, here it is, thanks to the awesome Ned Mayhem and banners by Clear Menser! Granted as soon as I had all this I almost stopped blogging- it should tell you a lot about my mental state that I pretty much gave up on writing. It was a hard as fuck year, for real. It took all my energy just to get through the day to day. Writing is starting to come more easily now though. I'm getting through it.

-Learn to balance personal self-care with political activism

Hah, this likely has to be a constant resolution. I think, though, that after having a breakdown, I finally began to learn when to say "I care, but I can't help right now". Part of that is telling myself I deserve self-care. I've been using the mantra "self-care is self-love" and that's been helpful- reminding myself that it's not selfish to take care of myself, and that you have to put on your oxygen mask first before helping others.

-Learn to love without fear

This... well, this. This is a complicated one. I had this resolution up here to challenge myself to let go of my anxiety about my ex and his moods, his infidelities, his desires. "Love him as he is," was my goal, "or not at all". I guess in a way I accomplished this by realizing that love that comes out of fear is not really love, but Stockholm Syndrome, and that we were both caught in the clutches of that codependency. I still have some hope that maybe he's doing some personal work to acknowledge his anger issues- maybe one day he'll really take ownership and apologize to me for his lashing out and then lying about it so blatantly. But I'm grateful that I learned when to say "not my problem" and cut things off. And slowly, surely, I'm learning how to ask for what I want with my new sweetie- sex, space, attention, my bed made, snuggles, a story- and not be afraid of the response. Loving without fear requires trust to survive.

-Launch Andro Aperture and start soliciting guest posts

I did start up Andro Aperture but then Consent Culture kind of ate it. Rape Culture killed my male eroticism project. Funny how that happens, huh.

-Present Safe/Ward in 3 new cities

I presented Safe/Ward in Austin and DC this year, but not a third city. I did however get to present it to a third new audience, when I took it to Open SF and presented for the poly/nonmonogamy community, so that was pretty significant. I'm glad to see that community and the Burner community opening up about these issues now.

-Start moving my stuff from the UK to the US

As my ex fiance is now my EX fiance, my stuff is all being shipped from the UK to the US. So rather more suddenly than expected, this goal got fulfilled. But at least I will actually have all my things at long last, all here in the US. I've finally let go of moving to the UK, and settled into living where I am. I'll miss London in some ways, and not in others.

Here's some other stuff I did this year...

-Played a part in taking down a website that posted and sold nonconsensual candid sexualized photos of women
-Went to Edwardian Ball for the first time
-Worked through my grandma discovering I'm a sex worker
-Said goodbye to my cat Meep
-Presented at SXSW on Sex Work and Social Media
-Started co-producing Cum & Glitter
-Filmed with Indie Porn Revolution
-Got elected as the PR person for the Sex Worker Outreach Project... and, eventually, pulled out
-Started a new job
-Lived on my own for the first time
-Visited conferences in Austin, DC, Long Beach
-Went on a cross country road trip
-Visited a clown museum, ghost towns, the Wonder Tower, Coney Island
-Was proposed to in Central Park
-Transitioned out of sex work into social media marketing
-Did my first burlesque class/performance
-Lost both lovers- only to realize they were unhealthy relationships
-Had a mental breakdown on Twitter and almost committed suicide
-Learned how to get help and started meds
-Went to Vegas
-Got a new tattoo
-Went to the Armory Club
-Was published in "Hot and Heavy"
-Competed in an ageplay pageant and challenged my fears
-Recorded with the Big Little Podcast
-Started ever-so-slowly dating someone new- my submissive Daddy
-Visited my parents for Christmas

I'm sure I did a bunch of other things, but these are the big ones! It was a really, really difficult year. But, as my tattoo says- "evolve or die". I evolved, I think. And I survived.

I'm ready for 2013.

Categories: personal

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