I thoroughly enjoy going to group sex events, and have ever since I was an 18 year old baby queer. I started with kink community events in a private dungeon in Boston, then costumed house parties that tended to involve pervy poly folks of various persuasions. Many of my first experiences were in these spaces, exploring my desires in cuddle puddles of fellow queer geeks. It was the first place I felt at home.

When I moved to San Francisco, throwing a sex party came to me as a method to meet the sorts of people I figured I'd get along with. To a certain extent, it worked- I had a decent idea of what sort of themes to work with that were fun without being overwhelming, and what sort of crowd I wanted at my events. I learned a lot about communicating boundaries, what percentage of dental dams to gloves to condoms I should have, and which lubes were the most popular. I discovered that throwing a kinky event where Goth/Industrial/Enya were all banned would be a gamechanger.

But I struggled with actually fucking at these parties. I was good at throwing them, as long as I didn't try to get involved in any way. Later I would try to throw private orgies and end up playing Jenga and singing along to Disney musicals... a fun night, but certainly not the debauchery I had been hoping for! Just this last weekend, even, I ended up with a non-orgy on my hands, even with a small group of people who were pretty up for it.

All of this led me to some  conclusions on how NOT to throw an orgy. So here's 5 points of BAD ADVICE. You have been warned- if you do these things, you will very likely end up with no orgy, and maybe puking people instead. Don't do these things.

1. Put a lot of emphasis on it being an orgy, repeatedly.

I swear that every time I try to throw a small orgy, I fail, and it's because in my desire to communicate with people I end up hammering home that I'm hoping for an orgy until I psych myself and everyone around me out on the whole concept. Too much pressure, and people won't feel comfortable, which is contrary to successful orgy-having. I've joked for a while that the successful thing to do is to throw a board game night, and just let it devolve, because if you try to throw an orgy it'll become a board game night. Unfortunately, I have found this to be accurate.

2. Just invite all your friends.

It seems like a great idea- they're all your friends, so they'll get along, probably, right? Well, in theory, yes, but it also means that it's pretty likely they've already had some cross-pollination. That may've been friendly, and it may've been... less so. That person you've been flirting with may've had a shitty interaction with someone you're dating over someone they BOTH dated so unless you keep detailed maps of your friends relationships, tread with caution. Save yourself the trouble of needing to have one on one friendship therapy with everyone at your party, and make sure everyone is either neutral or good about everyone else. A clear guest list helps with that, and allows people to decide if they want to consent to be there or not in the privacy of their home.

Not only that, but talk to your lovers, and think about who you're going to spend time with, and when. Do they all get along? Do you want them watching you fucking someone else? Do you have limits for the party? Will feelings be hurt?

3. Don't plan anything else to do, except stripping off and fucking.

Inviting a bunch of people over who seem DTF would suggest that you don't really need to think about entertaining them. People can get shy, though, and without some sort of ice breaker, they may feel pushed into stuff they don't want to do, or aren't ready for. There's nothing like having some sexual tension mixed with a lack of conversation starters to cause people to overindulge in snacking and drinking- two things that will also stand in your way of having a fun orgy, because full and/or sick stomachs aren't conducive to sexytimes!

4. Make heavy, creamy foods your primary snacking possibility.

I'm working on a menu for a 70s themed party for my birthday, and a lot of the classic foods are pretty creamy, cheesy, or ridiculously sweet. While a meat and cheese plate isn't a terrible idea, I find that fresh fruit and veg tends to be popular, as well as savory finger foods. Big bowls of chips or Chex Mix can be a bad idea (do *you* know where everyone's hands have been?) but individual servings works well. I recommend having some mouthwash and mini cups in your bathroom, just in case people want to freshen their breath.

5. Mix strong cocktails with hard liquor, preferably more than one type.

So according to the very 70s Action Cook Book, the host of a cocktail party was supposed to allow for the consumption of half a bottle of liquor per person for the first 2 hours, and three quarters of a bottle per person for every subsequent 2 hours. So, during say a 6 hour extended party, theoretically the guests would consume 2.5 bottles of liquor each.

This is a terrible idea.

I mixed up two vintage cocktails for the party this last weekend, and each one had at least 5oz of alcohol per serving. I had 4 drinks that night, and it was when I was throwing up profusely, not at all having an orgy, that I realized a standard drink in the US has about 1.5oz of booze in it. No wonder I was so sick! I'm the future, I'll probably stick to serving beer and wine, and keep an eye on everyone that they don't drink overmuch. Not just for consent reasons, though those are also very sensible reasons, but also because nothing ruins a potential orgy like vomiting.

I hope this is useful for someone wanting to throw an orgy by giving you a few of the pitfalls. If people like this enough, and I get enough traffic, perhaps I'll write a guide of what you *should* do instead!