3.

3:15PM Saturday, October 27

 

when it happened

you told me not to ask you to stay

that i needed to respect your boundaries

and your word

 

when i had tried to leave you, mind

there were four hour discussions of why this wasn't necessary

promises made for better behaviour

i gave you space to evolve

i gave you time

because i loved you, and i had faith in you

and in us

 

you denied me that

which is, i guess, your right

but i want to lay it on the table

there was kindness i offered you

that you denied me

 

when i had reached the end of my rope

and i called you

it was not to manipulate you into staying

it was not to bargain

 

it was because i wanted to apologize for making you feel trapped

 

i felt like the worst person in the world

 

i realize now that it was a cage you built around yourself

begged me to lock you into

so you could then scream about how cruel i was

you always did like hammering nails into your own hands

 

i wanted to die you know.

you talked me down by saying how you weren't vanishing on me

that i mattered to you

that what wasn't working was our couplehood

which, frankly, was a relief.

it wasn't working for me either.

we both needed help or we were going to end up on a gurney.

 

and your promised me

"i'm not going anywhere."

 

then you left. completely. and you left me devastated. again. worse, this time.

 

you used to be such a shitty liar. now your poker face kept me distracted

while you robbed me of what was left of my my heart and hope.

 

let's be honest. now it's too late to bargain. neither of us have anything to lay on the table.

i wish we could talk again. i kind of wish we could be friends.

but the amount of ownership for how you acted is beyond your capacity to care

and that will never happen.

you're too self-absorbed.

 

i hear your silence is supposed to be your way to help me heal

to help me move on- bullshit.

it's because you don't want to deal with the pain you created

don't want to see my tears. this lack of you isn't helping me heal

it's making me question you ever loved at all.

 

so i bargain instead with pills and gin

for the perfect combination that will make me as numb

cold-hearted and ruthless

as you.