When the subject turns to John Hauff, Master Ray's face hardens. He's never met the man, he says, pausing to sip from his glass of milk. He knows only what he's seen on TV and heard on the radio. Because he doesn't have all the details, Master Ray cautions that making a judgment "would be improper and foolish." Still, he says, there's something about the young woman's story that troubles him. She acknowledges negotiating up front for a certain amount of bondage, Master Ray points out. She got in his car willingly, and they drove to his place. There was no threat of brutality in the car.

"It wasn't a kidnapping," Master Ray says. "It was a negotiated sex scene between a hooker and her client. And somewhere along the line, she crossed her own panic line and cried 'Help!' "

As for her texting of Hauff's license-plate number, Master Ray points out that this is standard operating procedure in the fetish community, and doesn't necessarily mean the young woman was unusually leery of Hauff. "We call that a 'safe call.' It's perfectly legitimate and normal," he says. Once she'd revealed the text message to Hauff, Ray continues, "What happened next? She got dressed. He took her back where she belonged. He dropped her off. There was no threat. No murder. No 'Keep quiet or I'll come get you.' " 

During a bondage session in which the rules have already been agreed upon, a dominant partner's saying something to arouse a submissive partner is as common as flirting, Master Ray says. If, during a bondage scene, Master Ray were asked by a submissive he didn't know if he planned to kill her, he would read it as a sign that this type of talk turned her on. "So I'm going to smirk and say something like 'We'll see,' or 'Maybe later,' or 'Only if you're not pleasing to me, only if you don't satisfy me,' " explains Master Ray. "Call me a smart-ass, but I'm going to say something that is going to elicit a response from her."

When the prostitute asked Hauff if he was going to kill her, Master Ray says, "We don't know what tone of voice she used." Her question, he says, could have been understood as a clue that this form of "danger" was a turn-on for her. "And the worst part of it is that between the time it happened and when she finally decided to report it, her feelings, her thoughts, can change," Master Ray says. "Shame can set in. And then he gets punished because now she's feeling bad about it."

Still, Master Ray acknowledges, Hauff's alleged use of such techniques as bladder manipulation and electric shock, which are at the outer edges of the bondage-play repertoire, give him pause. "If he did spring this on her, then he crossed a line," Master Ray says. "That would not be tolerated in the [fetish] community."

-Will John Hauff's Gorean Bondage Fetish Set Him Free?, Seattle Weekly  

So when you tell me "oh, it couldn't happen in MY community" I want you to think about this. Think about why, exactly, it couldn't or wouldn't. Here is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. And Master Ray's response is enabling, excusing, and justifying Hauffs'. Read the article further, and see how when these things happen, the community is "devastated" or "crushed". Waaaaah. Imagine how the people who are raped and abused and broken and left to pick up the pieces feel. 


That is unacceptable and I absolutely will not sit back, as a kinkster and a sex worker, and listen without protest. 

This isn't just about individuals, people. This is our community. If we can show that we are responsible about how we handle bad situations, and we can actively show that we hold people accountable, then we have a defense against BDSM being abusive. But when we cover up for our abusers, when we have rape-y people teaching classes (I kid you not) on how to be better at being rape-y, when these predatory people are (often, I think, consciously) super charming and friends with the major players in these communities (if not pillars of the community themselves) then we enable abusive behaviour. There's no nice, tactful way to put that. I mean, really now, if I get pushed to do something I don't want to by someone who is friends with the DM, am I going to go to the DM for help, particularly when I see that people jump down the throats of other victims who speak out? No. I will quietly pack my toybag and leave, and the community loses yet another player by being accessories to a crime, over and over again.

So let's fucking fix it. 

Start out by reading Maggie Mayhem's "How not to be a douche in the dungeon", Sindelókë's learning how to understand your privilege (cisgendered [particularly male], straight, and white folks, I especially recommend you read it, though everyone should), and Creatrix Tiara's "Ways to combat sexual abuse / power-based personal violence (esp if you are in an alt-sexuality community)". And tune in soon for a detailed post of my own of how-tos and give-this-a-gos.