I can't really say there was a time relating to my sexuality that I was closeted. As I grew up, and expanded my interests, I felt pretty comfortable telling my friends and family where I was going- I came out as bisexual, then as kinky, then as poly, then as queer. I'm very lucky in that way. Even when I was in school, where being queer wasn't ok, I made it through without too much hassle. While I basically live my life under a stage name, I do so because it keeps my legal name and persona online and even with all the crazy stuff I run and do separate. I don't get much hassle in the day to day, but you never know about legal stuff!

Coming Out Day makes me think about how it's a day to commemorate sharing these intimate but incredibly important realities. It's to show support, to say "you aren't alone". And it's about taking the risk yourself, to put yourself out there without knowing what the result will be. So, while I'm not quiet about being a queer, nonmonogamous kinky femme, there's some things I have kept quiet that I'm going to share now.

-I was diagnosed with bipolar from a very early age, and was medicated for it soon after. I was definitely depressed, suicidal, and a chronic cutter. When asked why I was so miserable, I doubt I could've ever answered. My parents were ok, I was smart, I was often a bit lonely but kept busy. I just felt trapped, everything was overwhelming and I really didn't think I was able to handle it. I spent 6 years in and out of emergency rooms and residential living programs and witnessed things no one should have to. This is the experience that led to my distrust of "the system", made me incredibly and unfortunately aware of male privilege, and hate the way the US handles health, especially mental health. It also led me to get interested in psychology, which eventually led me into a sex work. I no longer take medications and found my mood improved drastically when I quit them. I still sometimes feel tempted by a razor when things are hard, but I haven't cut for 6 years.

-I had chlamydia once. I knew I was at risk and so went to the hospital, got tested, found out and got it cured within a week. That's why I'm so paranoid about getting tested. But, also, why I am so frustrated at the silence people keep if they have an STI- having caught an STI does not make you dirty or a bad person, even though the nurses at these hospitals may try to make you feel guilty.You can have hot safer sex, and you should be having it anyway because you never know. Once you've had one STI you are slightly more likely to be at risk for others. It's not something I've ever been out about, and I didn't think it was a big deal, until I realized that there are people who have HPV or herpes and they feel equally ostracized for it.

-The chlamydia was related to a sexual assault when I was 18 or so, a fourth date with a "dominant" guy, my first experience with "consenting to some sex acts doesn't mean all sex acts". It was a pretty horrific experience, made worse because I was his "submissive" and did everything I promised myself I would never do- lied to my friends about where I was because I didn't think they'd understand, I blamed my assault on not being a good submissive for my Dom, and if I had been maybe he wouldn't have done it, I didn't report it, I didn't fight. I froze. Later I felt like I did everything wrong. It took a lot of time and healing before I could even be present for sexual touch- in many ways I'm sure it's why my entrance into the sex work I wanted to do was through erotic massage and Domming. I feel much more comfortable with sex and boundaries now, but it's been something I've kept close.

None of these things are something I'm embarrassed about, but being a sex worker, if you have something like that in your past it automatically becomes why you're kinky, or queer, or nonmonogamous, or a sex worker, or whatever. Which is frustrating. I'm pretty conscious, and I feel pretty confident that I would've become a sex worker regardless- I was always passionate about my sexuality. But there is this attitude that, I feel, forces silence- how can you be a sex positive sex worker when you have "a history"? In order to be a sex worker, or a queer, or kinky, or slutty, you must've been damaged in some way. At least that's what many people seem to believe. I don't think it's that simple.

Well, I have a history. I am like many other women- I have baggage, some self-created, some forced on me. I enjoy my sexuality most of the time, and sometimes I get flashbacks and need to be grounded. I've been slutty to improve my self esteem, and I've been celibate because I couldn't handle being touched or emotionally vulnerable. And I'm done feeling like I need to justify that, or be ashamed.

I'm coming out.

Be the first to comment

Post a comment