I know, I know, right, I talk about Orgy and Wallflowers and no doubt you think "bands of the 90's". And while I did wear a short floral dress and docs, I'm actually talking about a queer orgy I went to last night with a bunch of the cutest and some of the shyest porn stars I've ever known. And it went incredibly smoothly, so I wanted to offer up some insight as to what I think made it flow.

Having sex with one person is hard when you're shy and not a porn performer. Having sex with one person when you're shy and a porn performer can be harder, because often the other person wants to you break out the Moves and be the aggressor, because you're sexy for a living, right? but being shy, we just sort of smile, and shift our feet, and don't speak to the people we like because it's terrifying. You can absolutely be a porn performer and able to have organized sex on cue and still be really really socially anxious, which a lot of people don't seem to realize.  I've been on casual sex dates where, if the other person didn't remove my shoes for me, I'm not sure we' ever have gotten to sexyfuntimes. I've certainly had moments where I've kicked my legs and pounded my bed and screamed into my pillow "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME" and then in person just wished for a "would you like to have sex? y/n" index card.

There were a couple of things I think worked well last night. One thing was going around in a circle to allow people to offer their names, preferred pronouns, and anything they wanted to do/hard limits they wanted to state. What was even nicer was creating space for people to say "I'm shy! I would prefer someone else to be the aggressor tonight", which I certainly took advantage of. Definitely don't assume that this person or that person would approach you if they were interested- a lot of people may seem super outgoing and confident but are actually shy and would love to be approached. It was also great to have a bunch of different safer sex supplies easily available (if there aren't safer sex fairies at your party, make sure you have bottled water, gloves, lube, and at least one condom, just in case! And possibly a puppy pad if you're a squirter....)

Knowing who was looking for things I wanted to give or have done to me also really helped, because then we could connect and begin asking questions while we played tentatively- "is it ok if I touch you here? May I play with this? Oh, you want to top? I want to bottom" etc. And yes, you'll both probably blush a bit and giggle when these questions are being asked! Just try to think of it as charming instead of embarrassing. I found it easier to get close to someone's ear and ask them quietly if I could kiss them, or play with their cock, leading to hot making out fairly easily. As for how to move it forward from there? I asked "is there anything I could do for you?" in order to figure out if the person i was playing primarily with was interested in topping, bottoming, or something else. Speaking slowly/lowly and with a bit of a smile is super sexy! And it is totally ok to snuggle, or just makeout, or stroke someone's skin, or give/receive massages at an orgy, or (depending on the feelings of the group) eve just watch- don't feel like you HAVE to have sex if you aren't into it. It was nice to sometimes just stroke skin after asking if it was ok, or kiss someone's back or neck while they fucked someone else. There's lots of ways to participate and feel involved!

Also, practical consideration- have a plastic supermarket bag you can put dirty toys in for cleaning when you get home.  This means you can enjoy the evening instead of having to worry about sterilizing them at the venue, or having no way to separate used toys from the rest. I also tend to like to tuck my panties and glasses into my boot (makes them easier to find later, hehe!)

Do you have any particular orgy tips? Share them below!