oh for fuck's sake

I have a lot of patience. I've laughed when people have said I have the patience of a saint, but I will generally take a lot of bullshit in stride.

It's taken me a long time to move away from drama in my life. Like Syph said to me many months ago, "how complicated do you want your life to be?" I realized I didn't want it to be terribly complicated anymore, that I was tired of juggling vast emotional commitments and putting up with lackluster emotional attentiveness in return. The friends and lovers I have in my life now are people who gave of themselves as much as I offered of myself, people who have shown me they are willing to challenge themselves, grow, and take care of their emotional well-being.
And I refuse, absolutely refuse, to guess what people want or need from me.
I'm going to get a bit catty for a moment.
After my split with Hysteria, I hadn't posted about it in the interest of avoiding drama, in spite of her blogs saying how I was a terrible, selfish Top. Eventually, months later, I posted a blog about our breaking it off. I tried to be introspective, to acknowledge how I failed the relationship, and what hadn't worked for me- for example, I was trying to juggle multiple lovers with sex work, always a difficult prospect. I tried, even, multiple times to speak to her about it. But every time, she lashed out about how horrible I was, how I was abusive like every other Dom she had played with.
Well, in a moment of nolstagia, I thought I'd check on Hysteria, who was planning to move to London. She had gotten in touch with another friend of mine, and I though, "aw, wonder how she's doing?"
Her blog indicated she had read mine... and she was pissed off that I said something about her having this emotional void (ignoring, of course, everything else I said about my own failings, but never mind). In fact, she indicated that she regretted not gouging larger marks in my arms to prove her emotional... presence, I suppose, if not stability. I think the fact she scarred me *at all* would be something to be apologetic about, especially since it was during a scene SHE indicated she wanted.
Hysteria was my lesson in this: no matter how cute, and young, and seeming eager someone may be- self-awareness, confidence, and good communication skills are ENDLESSLY more important.
Considering I'm not 100% confident as a Domme anyway, this shook me up a little. I had to reflect- *am* I abusive as a Top? I didn't think so. But thankfully, TB was available to check in about it, and I was reassured. I'm not a bad Dominant. I'm learning, sure, and I've learned that it's better to have 2 lovers who are amazing than 5 who just meet my needs in snippets. And I don't have to justify or apologize to anyone for wanting to snuggle, and receive affection, whether I'm a Dominant or not. I'm a person, and I deserve that. And when needs are communicated to me, I get better and better at serving those needs effectively and lovingly. Strangely, I'm also very grateful, again, for the time with Sh... who showed me that it's possible to move beyond dark, unpleasant times to emerge into something positive and amazing.
So, Hysteria is, well, hysterical. I guess I should have seen that coming. I did what I could, I apologized, I gave her space- but I'm tired of being attacked indirectly and slandered in a community I'm not present to defend myself in. I remember being her age, not that long ago- I loved drama then, too. I hope it serves her well... but I'm glad to be old enough to move on.

Be the first to comment

Post a comment