mending fences

I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself.

Sh was here- came to Burning Man, and spent some time in San Francisco, so we spent a fair bit of time together. In fact, I encouraged him not to read this blog til afterwards, since I had written some pretty raw stuff and didn't want us to just argue about who did what to whom. I was terrified, walking through the walkway to the arrivals lounge to meet him, totally unsure how I would react to being around him again.
Well, I still love him. And the intimacy, tempered by months apart and time to heal, is still there, at least for me. But where, before, my love for him was tainted with anxiety and fear of loss, now it's just deep, and sweet, and trusting. Does it matter that we're not dating anymore? Not really. I think as friends we've become closer than we had as lovers. It makes me regret that we had to do it in that order, but the nature in which we met and the issues we had to work out... it is what it is.
We had a marvelous time. Sh met my friends, met Mono, did shrooms with me on the playa, got his nipples pierced, wandered the Castro, checked out the leather shops, ate chicken and waffles, visited Mission Control... but the thing I really hold to, more than anything, is the snuggling and the talking. Spooning, facing the open desert, watching the people go by... I felt so safe, and loved, and comfortable. And I am so, so glad to have him back, and for us to be friends again.
Granted, I miss our play, I miss the perverted depths he would explore with me, and I'll happily keep the door open a crack, in case circumstances change enough that we have stability we'd need to push off. You never know. I've not had another play partner who is as willing to explore the dark... and who else would I bring out the Habitrail with...? But I also understand the current boundaries, and the reasoning, and I agree with them. So, in time, maybe.
Sh flew off yesterday, and I knew I'd miss him, but was ok. Then I had a session, and Sia was playing in the background, and the submissive put my foot in his mouth, and I was slammed back into that Soho bedroom, reading LOLcats in bed and eating bacon. And my heart wrenched.
But it's worth it. So worth it.
Sh was a client, way back when. One I kind of dreaded meeting due to his detailed email of what he wanted from a session. He became a fuck buddy, then a lover, then a bitter ex, and now... he's part of the pack. While I was hurting, I said that I regretted taking our relationship away from a professional one, that I didn't love him anymore, that I missed who he used to be but not who he turned into. I know what all that's about- when he broke it off with me, I felt rejected, burned, because I had trusted him deeply in ways I hadn't trusted anyone before, and he was leaving me. I reacted to that pain by striking out, being mean, putting up armor. But I do love him. And I don't regret letting him get close to me. I never saw him coming, but I couldn't imagine not having gone to that session and meeting him, now. He sculpted part of who I am, as a Domme, as a sex worker, and as a person.
And I'm grateful.

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