letting go

I have a confession to make.

I let Hysteria walk.
She was gorgeous, and young, and interested in things that are just *wrong* and I thought somehow we could make that all work out. Even without affection. Without kissing. Without emotional exchange.
It wasn't enough.
I know it was the right thing to do. She was furious with me for not posting about it at the time, now only 3 months ago. I didn't know what to say about it. She thought I was being selfish and putting other lovers before her, and she was right. I didn't get what I needed from her so I just quietly pulled away. It was the easy thing to do, but not the right one, and just reminded her or every other Dom she's played with who abandoned her. I didn't know how to say that her emotional void threatened to suck me in, to devour me, and I didn't know if I would be able to crawl back out.
She never wanted to be my girlfriend, or even mine, but she was jealous of the others, of the time I spent with them. It was another relationship where talking about other lovers stirred up trouble, a rule I've never been good at and have hopefully now learned not to agree to. I remember she was upset that I cared about her less because she didn't have a penis. I'd like to say that isn't true, but our girl-on-girl chemistry was janky and weird, it didn't slide smoothly. Square peg, round hole. So I gave up, and when she stormed off, I let her go, and didn't bother trying to get her back.
It feels like an old wound, though. And I've healed, though I carry the scars (literally, actually- she clawed me once and I have little half moons on my arm now, but never mind). I didn't love her, not in a deep way anyway, but I cared and still care about her wellbeing. She demanded more than I was willing to give, or even interested in giving to someone who couldn't reflect back. And sometimes, it felt like I broke through, and she'd smile, and express an interest in things- and then she'd close down again, like a venus flytrap, tight.
I miss our friendship and our flirting, for sure. Hysteria was someone I had high hopes for in terms of knowing for a long time. But at the same time, my situation with her is similar to my situation with long lost friend T- ultimately I don't regret my behaviour, and I will take care of myself first and express my needs, and I make no apologies for that. I hope she finds healing, someday. I also don't hold grudges, and I try hard to feel compassion and to let go of my hurt and fear- I no longer burn bridges if I can avoid it.
This comes to mind especially with Sh coming here, to San Francisco, next week. I'm nervous beyond belief that I won't be able to let go of my anger and hurt, that I think it's gone now and it'll come flooding back. I felt very strongly that he wounded me deeply, all those months ago, and I wounded him back. It's a true test of my integrity and courage if I can let go of that and open my arms to him... starting that trust again. And I'm gonna try. He's shown me trustworthiness so far. I just have to channel the Fool.
Because I don't want Sh to end up in my life like Hysteria or T, angry, resentful, always in the background of my mind but hopeless.
I let Hysteria go because I knew she didn't need me and I needed things she couldn't provide, and because I knew she'd be happier with more attention from a stricter Dom.
I hope she'll know, someday, that it was an act of love, not an act of dismissal.

Be the first to comment

Post a comment