WARNING: THIS IS A FUNNY, KINDA GROSS STORY ABOUT SEX AND YES I HAVE GOTTEN CONSENT TO SHARE

MOM AND DAD IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY SEX LIFE LEAVE NOW

Ok with that out of the way...

I have a funny story to tell, which will become a more complete piece at some point.

My ex was my primary sexual partner, and we maybe hooked up once a week. It's been a little while since I got laid and I've been hella stressed with all this bullshit going on. I was, perhaps, a little pent up.

Well I've been seeing this super cute couple (C & R) that I've been kind of falling for (we're taking it slow so the breakup doesn't fuck with our dynamic). I go on dates with them together and individually and they're just the sweetest. It's been an amazing counterpoint and reminder of what dating can be like. R is a hot fat femme who is both powerful and gentle and makes amazing art, and C is this adorable, eager to please nerd who likes shooting guns and riding motorcycles. They're amazing.

I had a date set up with C for last night and he asked what I wanted to do. Feeling a bit bold I was like "I really need to bang please" and he was down. So I brought over my hitachi and we put down a bunch of towels and went at it.

One of the things I knew I was going to mourn the most with my ex is how readily I felt safe losing control. He was a great fuck, even if he was often a poor romantic partner for me, and I didn't feel ashamed of relaxing enough that maybe I farted when I came or whatever. Bodies do gross things and he didn't make me feel bad or weird about it. That's astoundingly hard to find, especially alongside sex that makes me orgasm. My clit and my gspot are pretty finicky.

Well, C has whatever that thing is that works for me. And I came, multiple times, really hard.

Too hard.

We were cuddling and I got up to use the bathroom when I realized, to my horror, that I had orgasmed so hard I actually pooped. Not, like, tons, but enough to be noticeable and humiliating and oh my god. So I grabbed up the towel trying to be suave and ran to the bathroom downstairs where I realized with ever increasing embarrassment that I had poop all over my butt, and it was smeared all over the towel.

I washed the towel in the sink in a panic and tried to clean myself up as I tried to figure out what on earth you say to a relatively new lover when you've had intimacy suddenly level up, like, a lot. Had he noticed? Oh god oh god oh god what if he never wants to see me again omg I'm so gross whyyyyyyyyyyy

I faced him and blurted out "so, apparently I came so hard I shat myself. On the plus side no one has ever made that happen before. On the con side we should probably do laundry like now also I need a shower".

Thankfully we laughed and laughed and drank some scotch and I smoked a cigarette and tried not to blush for the rest of my LIVING DAYS. But you know what was awesome? It was ok. Everything was fine. It ended up being a hilarious story and not the source of neverending anxiety. And I kinda fell in love with him a bit more because of it.

I will say my second thought after "DID THIS ACTUALLY HAPPEN WHY OMG" was "I have got to write about this". So here we are. :)