My move to professional Mistressing happened when I was in San Francisco and saw an ad on Craigslist for pro Dommes. I figured, "hey, I could do that" and applied.

The place I went to was a nice enough house in a... questionable area. Not bad, but not great either. I whizzed through the interview, was told to come in dressed in Mistress-y clothes and stockings (not fishnets, to my surprise) and heels.

Now, I had seen the images of Mistresses in the movies same as everyone else. I was really taken aback that I was expected to dress in lingerie, stockings, and heels, instead of leather and lace and fishnet. I figured I could wear what I liked as a professional Mistress, just look sexy. That was not the case. There was a certain look I was expected to conform to- no room in that dungeon for my leather shitkicker boots!

Long story short- I was too much of a lifestyler to last there, I was told. I ended up feeling really angry and concerned for the clients who worked with Mistresses who were sometimes high or tipsy, or at the very least were not taught how to do things like suspension bondage or flogging. I had read enough in the papers to know that I didn't want to be a professional in a place where substance abuse happened sometimes, cause that's where you get that one breathplay guy...

Additionally, I didn't want to play by their rules. I had a customer who would tell me, step by step, what he wanted me to say and do. After playing with him twice, I decided to ask him to let me try taking the lead, and he could stop it if he felt uncomfortable. That was the first time I formulated a scene on my own as a pro, and I was so proud, heh! I remember feeling really pleased about it. And I had enjoyed it- but I was still struggling to fit myself into the submissive box I thought I belonged in, so didn't pursue it further.

Still struggling money-wise, I decided to try being independent. I was still doing better as an erotic masseuse and fetish model, so didn't bother pursuing Domming much further for a while. I had a scene here and there, wrestling one night, bondage the next... and I found myself bonding with these clients, wanting to see them again and take it further. There was the client who nursed me through a hard breakup by paying me to kick him in the balls, thus solving my anger management issues and money worries at the same time. There was my darling houseboy who I contracted with, and sadly had to leave behind when I moved to London. I shifted from fantasy fulfillment to being a Dominant in the session- getting checklists, formulating plans, doing what turned me on.

But I still thought I was submissive.

I came to London collared, in fact, to my partner. I enjoyed the way we tussled- I enjoyed our playful scenes, and the earning of various little charms for sexual misdeeds. Even now, sometimes, he'll tie me down and tease me with the violet wand, and I love it.

But I don't feel submissive anymore.

I don't know what changed, really. The more I Dommed professionally (which I took to far more easily in the UK), the more I glowed afterwards and wanted to play Top with other people. Part of it, I think, is that I gained a lot of confidence playing for pay and felt more mastery over the toys when in private than I did before. But now, the idea of submitting isn't that appealing. When I was trying, I always had a long list of things I didn't like, and loads of things I might like with the right person at the right time. I tried so hard to just let go and be submissive... but it just didn't come. As the Domme, I feel more... right. It comes naturally in a way submission didn't.

Now I enjoy my jaunts to the local dungeon for some devious scenes. I'm always in charge- I decide how the scene will go, who will cum, if that's even important to me that day, and what toys I want to use. I use checklists as a general guide, but I do the things I want- I don't provide a body for a male fantasy. I get to say "here's my fantasy, wanna come along for the ride?" And it feels so... right.

Sometimes, I miss the feeling of calm I got submitting to one lovely Domme, who shaped me in many ways, mostly unconsciously I expect! As her service submissive, I gained a lot of knowledge and experience that has really influenced me both as a Dominant and as a person. I imagine I'll always enjoy bottoming (mainly because I like not having to do all the thinking sometimes), and maybe some day I'll meet a nice woman who will bend me to her will.

But I like having my leather-clad glove on the metal cane. And I like watching men cry and whimper under my power. And I get hot, and wet, and vicious, when I see the marks rise up under my tools. My blood quickens, my heart races, and I smile.