getting back into the game

Hello, I'm Kitty. It's been 3 weeks since my last session.

But I finally had one, last Friday.

I had been unsure, going into it- even driving in the car, I kept feeling like maybe I should turn back, maybe I wasn't ready. I've spent the last few weeks here celibate, and not doing much more than snuggle or kiss- even my dates have been cautiously planned to be public affairs that will prevent too much physical intimacy, in case I faltered. I wasn't sure if the first kinky thing I did here should be a session, but I was also not going to turn away the only work I've had here since I got back. On the road, having decided to go, I made the mistake of listening to the mix cds I made to help me process and let go of TB, something I'm still in the midst of struggling with and something that gets only a little easier each day. Never mind this was pre-Valentine's Day, and the various pangs related to all that!

By the time I pulled up, I was awhirl with emotions. I swallowed my worries and grabbed my bag, headed into the hotel with my client.

And it was fantastic.

I was really glad to have gone, actually. It wasn't a complicated scene, by any means, but it was just the sort of teasing playful fun I apparently needed. I left the room feeling chipper, not to mention having enough money to pay for therapy, which I had decided that afternoon was high on my list of presents to myself. He was a peach, and really fun to bounce off of. I found myself looking forward to seeing him again- and as he was from the UK, we talked about possibly hooking up there, as well.

In a way, it underlined how much I really enjoyed the play I was getting in the UK, and the play I wanted to do when I got back. There's some pain wrapped up in that, as I'm always uncertain how things will be when I go away and come back. But I regained my confidence, as a Top, as a sexual being, as a femme and as an independent person. I woke up the next day feeling like myself again. And it was the first time I woke up to a dry pillow and no dreams.

This healing process is hard shit. But as I spend time reflecting and rejuvenating, I have to say, I feel more and more solid about who I am, and can separate where I fucked up and where I didn't. I feel like I have the courage to hurt, but also to heal. And it reminded me that I was still the powerful, fun, sexy woman my clients and play partners enjoy... which is ultimately the best Valentine's Day present anyone can receive.

So, a shout out, though I doubt he even knows this blog exists- thank you, Friday 13th. You gave me a service I needed without either of us even realizing. I'm grateful.

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