I'm going to start today with this photo, which is meant to illustrate the body weight ideal women have for themselves, men have for women, and the national average. (if you're on the LJ feed, sorry, you have to go to the blog to see!)

I also want to mention here that I've never seen these sorts of photos having to do with men and men's bodies- I suppose because subjecting male bodies to the female gaze is only acceptable as long as they're got white teeth, tanned skin, and big muscles. And even then, it's sort of frivolous silly fun, because women aren't visually stimulated. *cough

Now, additionally, in the comments for this, men tended to say "yes! I'll take them all", thus conforming to their training that sexy naked woman = sexy naked woman they want in their bed servicing them RIGHT NOW, while women wondered, still, why their bodies didn't look anything like that. Even a photo like this, trying to make people feel better about their bodies, serves to only further suggest that, if you're a size 16 and don't have a reasonably flat tummy, well, you're doing it wrong.

Anyway, whatever. None of that had much to do with the point of this particular entry. This one is about the term BBW and my weird, warped, fuck buddy relationship to it.

I used to be a really skinny kid. Tall, lean, tomboyish- then I hit puberty, and exploded out all over the place like a sponge dinosaur. I remember the summer my breasts decided to make an appearance so my parents quickly took  photos of the shirts they designed on me while I still made a good clothes hanger. With the breasts came hips, and thighs, and then I was on medication that added water weight and more hips and more breasts- which, of course, being a socialized female, made me into a bulimic. Not that it helped with anything but making me feel like I had some weird control over my body. Still, I dated, even though I wore incredibly baggy clothes, and even had a boyfriend, my first, who I never recall feeling self conscious around. He made me feel sexy.

Anyway, I gained a fair bit of weight, and generally hated my body, which is nothing new for being a woman, especially in the United States. And that was how I was initiated into the world of BBW-ish labels. I didn't exactly lack for... well, I called them boyfriends, and I'm sure a few of them loved me, but pretty much they were men I let use my body whether or not I was checked into it at the time. And as most of the guys I slept with were pretty focused on cock-orgasm-in-pussy sex. I think that's why I got more into kink- every once in a while I'd meet someone who kinda got me on the kink level and there I felt safe. As soon as it got sexual I'd freeze. I think perhaps I hoped baggy clothes would keep attention away from me... though I met the Scotsboy, my first real Dominant, and he got me wearing the skirts and fishnets and cute panties you see me in today. He loved me and my body, and helped me accept my curves as acceptable, if not beautiful.

Ok, so, yadda yadda, I had a few loving, tender partners, and slowly became the woman blogging to y'all today- relatively confident, pretty much sure of herself, sexually aware. But I've been thinking a lot about the term BBW, and how I never really quite fit in there... though I never fit in the "average" category either. I especially noticed this with sex work- I knew better than to bother with anyone looking for slim women, though would sometimes test the waters if they just said "attractive". In response to my efforts, I was complimented... sometimes. Mostly, I was called a cow.

Until! Until I started using the term "BBW" on my ads and site. Then, I got more questions, more interest, more... letching. But the difference was, these men tended to be more interested in... how did one term it... my "fleshy ass" and "plump pussy lips" than in me as a person. Which is when I realized, BBW wasn't just an adjective... it was an invitation to see my body as a fetish object in itself. And I wasn't, and am still not, sure how I feel about it.

I guess it's like anything- a boy who talks to my face as well as my tits and ass makes me feel adored. A boy who only talks to my body makes me feel like a breathing sex doll. That's not size related. But it's this weird, cold detachment they project on me that makes me feel detached, like this body isn't mine. It's... uncomfortable, and strange. I'm trying to work out if being a BBW is actually a thing of pride or seen as an invitation for people to perv out over my thighs.

It's frustrating beyond belief to not only have the normal bits men get obnoxious about, but also extra fat for them to ladle their commentary on. You can always wear a teeshirt and jeans to hide other bits, but not so your size. And this objectification isn't just sexual- oh no, I can't count the number of women who have asked about my pregnancy or the men who ask me if I make money in this field, being fat. WTF.

As much as I like that there's fat porn on the web- it's very likely to be offensive and humiliate the sex worker, and there's still the attitude of fat girls being worth less and worthless than other models. Fat is used as a slur, not as a retort. And BBW is listed as a fetish on sites like Fetlife.

Do I think that's wrong? Might be a false application of the word fetish, frankly- a preference isn't the same thing- but no, I think fat womens sexuality should be celebrated. I just don't like the idea that someone is getting off on the idea of "forcing" me to do degrading things just because I've got extra pounds. At the same time, we can't help what we're attracted to, right? So it's a confusing argument, and one I think should be slept on at this point.