This month, any type of sex work, minus, perhaps, the Domme sessions, has felt like work. I have to drag myself up, force myself to log online and turn my phone on, and I'm just... not feeling it. In fact, I'm not feeling it to the extent that I just go watch some shit on the Iplayer instead. Sometimes I'll leave my phone on, in case, but webcam? Can't be bothered to prance around in lingerie for a bunch of men to wank off without even a "thanks".

Why is that? I mean, I've been online less this month than I have been in the past three- I just get ready to log in and can't be bothered. I even had one call where I desperately wanted to yell "well, if YOU don't know what you want how the hell am I supposed to work it out?" There's this apathy mixed with frustration and irritation... and a hearty helping, I think, of being pissed off at male privilage. Where's my sex worker to come and give me an erotic massage? Where's my webcam tramp of a boy who will hurt himself to please me? Where do I get mine, exactly?

I think it's in part because the last couple of calls I've had didn't leave me feeling inspired or excited, but rather bored. I hate having to do all the work, having to guess your fantasies or having you be annoyed that I didn't get it right. I know not everyone knops as much about their sexuality as me, for example, but there's SOMETHING you watch/read/imagine/talk about when you wank. Tell me that, right? Or have you not even worked that bit out...

It's also partially because I've had, still, lingering reminders to the cold from hell, and so I don't feel sexy, I feel like I'm dragging myself to work when all I want is another sick day. But looking at my finances, I realize that 18 days worth of sick days is going to take its toll, and it's time for me to get back to work. And my cat is still rattling around death's door... and I'd rather be snuggling him than pursing my lips for some jackass who wants to pay the absolute minimum for his wank.

Maybe I've just always lacked discipline. When I worked retail, I was kind of spoiled- I either got to do displays and things I liked, or I'd sulk, and potentially not show up. I figured that I wasn't getting paid enough to care, or to pretend I liked my job if I didn't.

But in the realm of sex work, I AM getting paid to care and to pretend I like my work when I don't. And it's enough for me to put aside my honesty values in favor of some lucrative smiling and batting my eyelashes. And, in the name of honesty, usually I enjoy the dressing up and the flirting and everything. Just not this month, for whatever reason. And yeah, while I have the freedom to not go into work when I don't feel like it, there is some pressure to do it when I feel apathetic when I look at my bank balance and see it slowly drained away.

So when it feels fake, I generally don't do it. And this month I'm suffering for it, for sure. How Kitty got her groove back... I don't know. Wanking is boring. I still enjoy S/m, but feel like my pussy is freeze dried otherwise. I've been trying to maintain the sexy siren thing while feeling more and more like a eunach. Sometimes I don't want to do a session because I just want to get done instead. I want it to be about my orgasm. Sometimes I don't want to do a session because I can't bear to feel passion with a client when it's lacking at home... because then I don't feel in control of my sexuality, but rather, it's in control of me.

However- having just read Bitchy Jones' old post Paying My Due and thinking a bit about such a scene (where the submissive pays far more than he can afford, and has to earn it back through the session, leaving the more reasonable fee at the end) has gotten me thinking I'll be in my bunk. So maybe it's not ALL dead yet. Maybe I just need the right session to get my nethers in a twitch.