So with Valentine's Day fast approaching there's loads of half-acceptable candy being pushed in the shops, hearts shaped boxes that look like footballs, and cards ranging from sickeningly sweet to disgustingly tender. Ugh.

Not everyone is interested in "romance" as peddled by the folks at Hallmark.

If you're nodding at that, then this guide is for you, and the ones you want to reward on this corporate holiday for putting up with your shenanigans. Or, you know, get them a day or two early and bypass the whole thing. Cause you're better than that. Right?

First, let's start with the sweet toothed among you. Whether living or dead (like your love), these cakes by the brilliant mind of Lily Vanilli are just fabulous. You cut into this anatomical heart to expose red velvet sponge, cream cheese frosting, and blackcurrant and cherry blood. How fucking cool is that??


And they're really reasonably priced, too, at £7 per cake. But, you'll have to pick it up in London if you want one- sorry US zombies in love, you'll have to settle for real hearts.

This next thing is made by AFMetalsmith on Etsy, and it's perfect for the emotional masochist in your life who's been a bit kicked around by love. 


They're the one who listens to angry music about how they don't need a man anyway and who gives a shit about love, and then cries at movies where the woman finally gets the man after hard soul searching agony and emotional torture back and forth. You know, like any movie that calls itself a "chick flick". 


Just don't give it to someone you're breaking up with- that'd be pretty messed up. "Here's your heart back, sorry I destroyed it".

Or you could always go with the Heart Burned set from Giant Microbes. This heart shaped box of small fuzzy sexually transmitted illnesses might be just the thing for that lover who isn't as careful as they should be about getting tested.  They make a good talking point about safer sex practices. Plus. it comes with a penicillin plush, along with herpes, syphilis, HPV and gonorrhea. I usually do the Valentine's Day STI test with my lovers, but YMMV.

And let's not forget that this holiday is often all about the masculine-energied folk treating and pampering the femme folk. I say screw that gender biasing bullshit! 


Here's some nifty anatomical heart cufflinks from Moon Raven Designs for those who like wearing fancy shirts that require such things. A subtle way of saying "you stole my heart- no, seriously, now give it back, I need that to live".

Many people get to a stage at this holiday where we question everything about being a couple. It's so much goddamn pressure to be romantic in a certain day at a certain time. Loads of couples break up before Valentine's Day in order to avoid the whole mess (and how messed up is it that this article seems to suggest that the alternative of  "singles awareness day" is something best avoided?).


If you do this reflection and find your lover wanting, you may feel like getting rid of the evidence of your relationship before V Day shoves it in your face. This clever  Hand Paper Shredder from Thinkgeek should do the trick of destroying those love letters, at least until Lacuna, Inc actually exists.

Regardless if you're single or coupled (or tripled, or more) when it gets to be this holiday, one thing that's pretty nice to have any day is an orgasm. So, to fit with my jaded, love-is-dead theme, what better thing to suggest than the Death By Orgasm Vamp bullet vibe from Good Vibrations?


It comes in a coffin. If you need more of a reason than that, it's also a pretty strong bullet vibe with a soft velvety coating and three vibration settings. Plus, hello, it's waterproof! Who needs anyone or anything else when you have a great (and quiet) toy at your fingertips? Say no to this mass-marketed consumerism codependency racket and have a nice orgasm instead.


There. Now do you feel better?