I have never really considered myself as part of the in-crowd.

I've always had a wide circle of acquaintances, certainly, and I've had friends. But I generally haven't gotten invites to Special Private This or Secret Underground That- nope, I hear about them afterwards, usually via my Twitter. Or I'm running my own events, though I realize that I make a lot of effort to invite people to those and make them aware.

I'm envious, for sure. I feel quite often that there's this social whirl of "it" people within the artsy, Burner, and kinky communities (particularly and especially them) and I will never penetrate it. There's always boat parties, house parties, picnics and weekends away that it feels like everyone I know gets invited to, but I don't. Partially because I don't have the funds to go to loads of parties. Partially because I am actually very shy socially and tend to not talk to new people for fear of interrupting. Partially because I am not an Amazing Dominant Mistress who has lots of skillz to show off. Partially because I am not physically the type who gets invited to things for the "beautiful people"- amusing, as Kinky Salon London was accused of being that itself!

That said, I suspect I'm envious in theory. In practice would I go to these events? Probably not. I am aware all the time that I'm not the party hearty type anymore. But sometimes I get that little pang in my heart wishing I was at least invited. I wish I felt like I was someone people were anxious to get to know and spend time with (and I know that I am, for some, which relates to the below point).

It's particularly interesting (from an anthropological perspective) because the boy is envious of me- I get invited to more things than he does, so in his view I'm the "in" crowd and he's on the outside. So then, popularity becomes a spectrum, relative to the sorts of social circles one wants to be a part of. And it's about the invite and the interaction, isn't it, not whether you actually go to these things! Sometimes I wonder why I keep in contact with some of the people I do, as our lives don't interconnect that much and we don't see each other or make much effort to. Is it because I want to get their approval? Possibly. I can believe I'm that insecure at times!

But then, this is why I wanted any event I run to be different, as inclusive and friendly as I could make it. I have an excellent circle of friends, but I want to strengthen it by having them get to know each other and bring in new people. I don't go to munches anymore because I learned that people didn't tend to want to meet new people there, they wanted to hang out with their friends, and, well, I can do that in a quieter place than a pub or a restaurant! I love meeting new people, hearing their stories, getting to know them, but I don't want to drink and yell during that process. I feel less and less like for the most part the kinky community is about community, but rather about cliques bumping against each other at an event.

I guess I'm thinking about all this cause I was rewatching some Glee and thinking about high school. I spent very little time in high school. I wasn't popular, but then I didn't want to be- being Goth necessitated being uncool.

I wonder why I want to be popular so much now... what's spurred on that insecurity? Why on earth should I care? Do I even, or is it entirely a construct of the people I follow on Twitter chattering excitedly about things I'm not a part of all the time? And, if that's what it is, why on earth do I follow them?

Ultimately, I'm glad I have the friends I have. I don't feel like I have many people I would consider real friends, but the ones I have are really, really quality. I think I could take a lesson from my 16 year old self- I may not be cool, but I'm surrounded by other rad people. And that should be enough.

Introspective navel-gazing thoughts for a Sunday.

I think I'm going to ditch it for a picnic in the park with the boy, instead.