Wallace Wells: You doing okay there?

Scott Pilgrim: Yeah, good, good, good. She changed her hair.

Wallace Wells: So, it looks nice blue!

Scott Pilgrim: Yeah I know, but she did it without making a big deal out of it or anything... She's fickle, impulsive, spontaneous... God what am I going to do?

-Scott Pilgrim Vs The World

I just went through my photos over the last year, and while my haircut has really only shifted gently from a straight up undercut to growing it out into an asymmetrical hairdo, I have dyed my hair a lot. As of today, I have dyed my hair at least 12 times, once per month, as far as I can tell. It's been mostly blues and purples, with a little dip into blonde and green. Right now, even, it's back to blue, a colour called "shark blue".

I dye my hair impulsively. I remember watching Scott Pilgrim and joking about his freakout over Ramona's hair colour changes, because I'm totally like that. When I'm struggling, or bored, and reinvention is on my mind but I can't really get my shit together to completely change my look, I go for dying my hair something new. It makes me feel fresh again, like I can experiment in being someone just slightly different. And it's a form of self care, too, in a way.

2015 is probably the most I've ever reinvented myself in a year. It was a year of intense and hard change. I went from anxious and self blame to strong, unapologetically putting responsibility at the feet of those who deserved it. I went from porn performer to head of production at TROUBLEfilms and then immediately got fired for sticking to my ethical beliefs about consent and accountability, and frankly, I don't regret it at all. I really came into my own as a writer this year, and am ready to strike out on my own in writing my own book if I can't get a publisher to commit. I went from miserable GGG girlfriend to a narcissist who made me feel small and unworthy to feeling solidly that I deserve better, with a list of values and dealbreakers I won't ignore again.

It was a year of learning how to say "this is what *I* want", of dumping friends who insisted I do most of the work, of knowing my value as an employee and as a person. I thought maybe I didn't want to be a manic pixie anymore, but it's not true- I love being a manic pixie, bringing delight and playfulness and deep thoughts to those around me. I just don't want to be bogged down by depressed protagonists, drowning me in their inability to take care of themselves anymore.

I think that dying my hair is kind of a way to indicate to those around me that I change a lot, and that it's something I value about myself. I like that I am constantly learning and picking up new ideas, merging them with how I view the world. It's probably why I crave stability in my partners and friends, because evolution can make one feel like your feet are never firmly on the ground.

2015 was like an emotional growth spurt in a lot of ways. It hurt, a lot, it ripped me open and stitched me back together. But I feel like I learned a lot this year about sticking to my guns, trusting my gut, and that self care is vital. I am so proud of myself that I broke off a relationship where I felt my boundaries were seen as dismissible. I'm proud I ended relationships with friends who were toxic and made me feel badly about myself, and established better boundaries for friends I've been growing apart from without having to let them go. I learned a lot about picking my battles, and I learned a lot about seeing the love around me rather than begging for love from people who were incapable of giving it.

Mainly though, I learned that I deserve to be loved in all my manic pixie, tenderhearted, ethical splendor. Yes, I may enjoy sticker charts and colouring books and dressing up and being silly, but that doesn't mean I can be dismissed or treated like an unruly child. I deserve to be cherished for who I am, multicoloured hair, strong feels, and all.

2016? Your move.

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