I've been thinking a lot about sex as work vs sex as play.

I'd like to say it's an easy equation- when I'm having fun sex at home, the sex I have for work is more enjoyable, and I bring that energy back to my lovers, who send me back to work with a spring in my step that only copius, well-enjoyed orgasms can provide.

But that's not always the case. Sometimes the fact I'm having fun sex with my lovers makes me feel more resentful of the sex I do for work, because the clients I meet don't mesh with me as well as the people I play with (well, duh, you might say, but the resentment remains). It can be hard for me to answer my work phone when in bed with someone I love- often I dismiss the calls with a roll of the eyes and the "ignore" button. Sometimes it's the fact that I'm not doing any sex as play that leaves me open to other people's whims and fantasies at work- I'm more curious because, on some level, my libido is humming and work is as much of a crap shoot as a blind date, so why not?

Other times, when sex at home isn't as fun anymore, when we've hit a rut and seem to be doing it out of duty more than desire, a well-placed client session can energize me and send me bouncing home to show TB what I just did, or calling E to bubble over with excitement about what that one looked like. It can jump start my sex drive. Having a client where sex wasn't, initially, on the agenda, but I feel so wet for them that I ask them if it'd be ok to do anyway? It's a boost for me, hopefully for them as well.

There are times when clients make requests and I smile and say sure while internally I'm groaning and sighing and saying "oh, go on then". This is often the case with a domination type session where being jerked off or given a blow job is not enough, they want the full thing, and I just can't be bothered to lie back and think of England, America, or anywhere else. Ultimately, however fun it can be, it IS work.

But sex work will never just be work as long as I make more doing it than I make doing any other work, or as long as it's taboo enough I can't tell people I do it for fear of being judged. And as long as my clients are judged, I'm judged. Just a fact of the situation.

I don't mind having casual sex. I see evey encounter as a one night stand, pretty much, and enjoy myself accordingly. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's dull, often it's about me getting paid to take time away from lovers who share my kinks instead of guys who want me to personify their fantasy. That's a whole other blog entry, on that special form of forced feminization- the feminization I have to be, or pretend to be, to be marketable.

Sometimes the sex is both work and play. But I can also see a clear difference. With lovers, they aren't customers I have to please, they're lovers who care about me. It's easier to say no, in some ways. It's also easier to disassociate, so it can be less committal. But I prefer to find a space where work and play intersect.

When I can.

If I can.