hit and run

When I wrote my blog on "What IS Safe, Anyway", I hadn't been actually assaulted in my off/on 5 years of various types of hands on sex work.

Well, a couple of nights ago, I was.

It's interesting to me that the first thing I want to do is reassure people I'm not badly hurt, that I'm ok, that I'm angry and poorer for it but I'll be fine.

Because I'm not fine. I'm not ok. I'm functional, certainly, and I'm living my life as normal, but I'm pissed off, and feel violated, and a bit... stained.

Long story short: he paid upfront, we did the session, he smacked me in the face (not hard enough to bruise, just hard enough to shock me), took the money (which I hadn't put into my purse as I don't like anyone knowing where that is when I work) and left.

I was shocked. I'm furious at myself for freezing instead of tackling him, though TB says I did the right thing and it could've escalated. E, being E, offered to have him killed. I'm also a bit angry with myself (and it's hard to admit here, even now) that my first reaction was racism, to say to myself "you should've known, he was a young black guy", despite knowing that assholes come in every color and description.

It's situations like this that make it very hard to practice loving kindness and compassion for the next person. I mean, Asshole Anthony seemed nervous, but I work a lot with geeky men, they're all nervous at first! I got paid upfront. I guess I am pretty trusting, and I doubt I will be again- this is where the sexual being professional is awkward for me, because I've treated it as personal first, professional second, and I'll be more careful next time. But even if he hadn't taken the money back, he still would've hit me, I imagine.

What really gets me is the exceptions I made. I was trying to be flexible, and again, I doubt I will be again. He was late, to start, and couldn't find the road, so I came out to direct him. He walked past me and I called his mobile- I wonder now if he was trying to decide if he was going to do it or not. Once I got him in there, I gave him an erotic massage after doing my brothel check. He wanted to give me oral, so I let him- his lips open and closed and smacked like a dying fish, not erotic at all. It was, to date, the worst mouth I've had on my pussy, and I'm including the one that bit my clit too hard. And the sex! His cock was too big for me, though I grinned and bore it anyway, and after a minute of furious pounding he was spent. I tried to reassure him about it, as he seemed unhappy and uncomfortable. I told him "it's ok, there's way more to sex than sex". We put our clothes on. And then, BAM.

Never mind the fact that losing the money was irritating. It was, but I'm more angry about having to sit through mediocre sex for free. And more than anything, I'm mad that I extended kindness and got back bullshit.

I'll be posting this on the name and shame sites, so it'll be a little harder for him to do this again. And I had another session yesterday that went ok, though I found myself looking at the clock more often. Maybe it's just as well I'm about to leave the UK for a while, and take a sabbatical on sex work. What clients enjoy about me is that I'm open, and compassionate, and at the moment, that's stretched a little thin.

Be the first to comment

Post a comment