You know that phrase "sex is like pizza, even bad pizza is pizza"?

It's not true. Sorry. Or if you think it is, you need to remember that sometimes pizza gives you food poisoning. It can, in fact, be pretty bad.

Bad sex is a real thing that exists- and sometimes it's just a chemistry issue, while other times, it's a lack of training. Personally, I have always found it easy to enjoy sex on a purely physical level without feeling any emotional connection to my partner (unless that's something we're pursuing)- so perhaps I find it easier to step back and say "this sex was good" and "this sex was bad" based on some clear personal guidelines.

There's plenty of suggestions on what TO do (like this one, though I'm frustrated with the "no one wants to be fucked like a prostitute" tone and the "all women are sluts" thing... um, no) but not a lot on what to avoid doing. For me, there's more things that work for me than things that don't, but of course this varies from person to person. I can only really speak for my own experience, such as it is.

So here, let me help y'all out- here's a brief list of things that make guys bad in bed, at least bad in my bed (and yes, you'll sleep on the floor). To make it a little more helpful, I tell you after each bad tip what you should be doing instead to be a better lover. I'm writing this from me to dudes because I've had a lot of bad sex with dudes (and, sadly, mostly ones who weren't clients) and I have a lot of experience with guys asking me how they can be a better sexual partner.

Without further ado- How to be Bad in Bed, Dudes (and how to do it right):

This is just sad.

Give Up On Grooming


And no, I don't just mean the basics. I assume you know to have brushed your teeth, chew some gum, wash your face, ask if your partner has a chemical sensitivity before drowning yourself in cologne. But there's also things you can/should consider- taming your pubic hair, for example. And have some baby wipes around for a quick pre-fucking wipedown- it tastes a little nasty, yes, but it won't leave toilet paper scraps (SQUICK) and it will ensure you look tidy.

Also? Wear sexy underwear, guys. Not novelty underwear (though some comic book ones are pretty sweet, whatever critics say) and not necessarily stripper ones (though I like 'em) but something that's classy. Nice underwear will also make your ass and cock look awesome, so it's in your best interest.


Make Assumptions 


I know you've read a lot and watched a lot of porn. That's great. But don't assume that because so-and-so raves about cunnilingus that it's going to make me orgasm, or that because this porn shows a woman really loving her head being grabbed during oral sex that I'm all for that. Ask me. And ask everyone else you ever have sex with. You can move slowly, and start gently, and growl in someone's ear "you like what I'm doing to you?"- and pay attention. If there's a hesitation, or a no, then you should move along to something else. No big deal- but being able to read body language and subtlety can make or break an encounter.

In addition, don't make assumptions about what I won't like- this article in the Frisky, entitled "4 Sex Acts Guys Think They’d Enjoy (But Won’t)" is full of bullshit. They list threesomes (FFM, of course, ignoring other possibilities), sex in public, tittyfucking (mysteriously called "sex with boobs"), and anal sex as things guys (and, often, their partners) won't actually enjoy. The boy and I are proof positive that those things are really dumb assumptions.

This is not the way to tell your lover about your bondage kink.

Rush Your Kink


This is a major one. I can't count the number of lovers I've had who are so happy to meet a girl who is GGG (good, giving and game) that they hurtle out of the closet with all of their kit and demand/beg to do the most extreme fantasy in their head relating to that kink. That will overwhelm anyone, including me. Yes, I'm a sex worker. Yes, it's unlikely I will recoil and go "oh no fucking way" simply because of your fetish for, say, roleplayed cannibalism. But if I come home one day and out of nowhere you're trussed up like a Christmas ham, covered in pineapple, with a set table, and your first sentence to me is "I have this really weird kink and I know you're probably not into it but I hope you are but if you're not that's ok I just really want you to eat me", I'm probably going to need to go outside for a cigarette and to sort my head out. Because that's a really intense way to introduce someone to your fantasies.

Go slowly, start small (say, a little bit of biting during sex maybe) and work your way up. Make it sexy for me, too- try to blend your interests with mine. And for god's sake make an effort to satisfy my kinks too- if you want me to be eager about your fetishes, mirror that with mine!


Forget Foreplay


Foreplay is one of those things that I swear people are told all the time is important and yet all the time it's rushed through or pushed aside for the "main event", which tends to mean Penis-In-Vagina sex. And sometimes, quickies are hot. But foreplay is often really important for enjoyable sex; not just because it feels nice to take your time, but also because it gives my body time to warm up, my pussy to get wet, my clit to begin to swell. Without that foreplay step, I have often ended up faking an orgasm, because while sure, lube can be used to make me wet, I'm not aroused enough yet to really enjoy myself, and I end up in my head worrying that it's taking me too long to get turned on. I'm like an old car- I need time to warm up.

I have a small clitoris, so it might be hard to see it get erect- but being patient and working me up til I beg you to make me orgasm with your fingers, toy or cock will result in a fabulous orgasm, not least because if I don't feel rushed I can relax and be really present in my body.

Have Sex At Me Instead of With Me


Yes, I'm aware that when it comes to the functionality of penetrating my orifices with your appendages, you are probably able to manage it. Good for you! Unfortunately, that isn't really fulfilling for me. I like to feel engaged with- look me in the eyes, talk dirty or talk sweet, nuzzle my neck, kiss me, lick my nipples and stroke my skin. And I'll do the same back, running my hands over you while you fuck me. Isn't it much nicer when we're interacting, not just going through the motions without any connection? Even when I do sex work, I don't want to feel like a mannequin (well, ok, unless we're roleplaying that)- I'm a person, and we're doing something intimate, so please act like that and not like my vagina is a glory hole?

Focus Too Much On My Orgasm


I'm really really glad that you want me to have an orgasm. I want to have an orgasm too, so we agree there. However, pressuring me to have an orgasm every time we have sex is asking for something that is pretty likely impossible. So many factors go into me having an orgasm- being able to let go and just enjoy pleasure without stress, for example, having the right stimulation for the right amount of time, being aroused enough to begin with. If I feel worried that you'll be disappointed with my lack of orgasm, I may not have one at all, simply because I'll be trying too hard.

However, it's additionally important for me to say that if you have an orgasm most of the time we have sex and I don't, it's very likely that I need more time for what we're doing. Don't blow off my orgasms either, or I'll feel really frustrated and broken. Make orgasm just another step on the sensual road, rather than the goal.

Focus Too Much On Your Penis


There are a lot of sexual acts we can engage in that don't involve your cock. I also like involving your cock, mind, but there's a world of things beyond it. The idea that your penis is necessary for sex has negative consequences for everyone- if you stress out about it, you can end up suffering from erectile dysfunction, for example. If your partner has a latex allergy (or you do) and you can't get access to nonlatex condoms, you'll consider yourself shit outta luck.

But it really doesn't have to be that way. You have a tongue, fingers, lips, skin, teeth, toys, frottage.. there's so many other things you can do that focusing on your cock is shortsighted if nothing else! Which brings me to my last point...


Think Your Ejaculation = End Of Sex


It's another one of those things to talk about, and not to assume. Usually, if you've made me really happy or even orgasm before you orgasm, I'm happy to snuggle. But if I haven't had an orgasm, but I'm close, and you ejaculate and then roll over, I may feel... well, left out. Maybe I'm not done yet. It doesn't mean you have to fuck me again, but having a couple of toys around to finish me off, if I want you to, is a good move. I really like it when you kiss me or bite my neck while I use a vibrator, or hearing you read me some erotica. As I said to one lover, many years ago, "there's so much more to sex than sex!"

I hope you find this helpful, and that it helps you become a better lover by giving you a place to start discussing your likes and dislikes, what gets you hot and what leaves you cold. Bad sex is out there and it happens to everyone- it makes for some hilarious stories! But bad sex is better when it's the exception... not the rule.