"What gift do you think a good servant has that separates them from the others? It's the gift of anticipation. And I'm a good servant. I'm better than good. I'm the best. I'm the perfect servant. I know when they'll be hungry and the food is ready. I know when they'll be tired and the bed is turned down. I know it before they know it themselves." -Gosford Park

I harbor, among my darker secrets, a desire for a ladies valet. Not a maid, really- I see this person in a suit, helping me with my jewelry, organizing my travel plans, assisting with my packing, perhaps assigning jobs to a maid or a cook. Like a personal assistant, but also more intimate. One day I hope to have this person in my household- it's a type of D/s I find very fulfilling and desirable, unlike the 24/7 lifestyle. There's something calm and controlled about service. There's something so beautiful to me when I see a perfectly presented submissive, back arched, hands outstretched. There's incredible energy with service too, and a way for the Dominant to feel taken care of, which has been important to me as someone into some edgy shit. I love the aesthetics- human candelabras and tables, straight backed maids serving tea prettily and daintily, graceful men taking your coat and hat and whisking them away. I love having a bath run for me, or my feet massaged by firm hands. The dynamic just... works for me, in a way that's kind of vanilla and kind of not.

"There's a scene in the movie Exit to Eden where a submissive boy gives Rosie O'Donnell a come-spank-me look and breathes, "Mistress, let me fulfill your fantasy." She snaps back, "Go paint my house." If Rosie had been talking to Renee and Chris, she'd have been getting a new coat of latex before you could say "Benjamin Moore." On the day of the party, these two were at my house, working in the yard, several hours before I got out of bed. After that, they cleaned the house and began the food prep. Once the party started, they answered the door, hung up coats, fetched drinks, and carried hot hors d'oeuvres around on silver trays. When the party ended, they cleaned up glasses, trash, and leftover food. And then they told us they had a great time, and went home. A few days later, Max and I even got a thank-you card from Chris.

Service submissives like this are so refreshing. A lot of people want my attention, and I'm not going to say I don't enjoy that. Having the ability to create other people's fantasies feels good. But doing so takes a lot of energy, and sometimes I feel drained. Renee and Chris conceived and delivered a fantasy for me. I didn't have to do a thing--other than relax, enjoy the service, and take pleasure in knowing that they enjoyed giving it. What a sweetly kinky gift from heaven." -from Control Tower by Mistress Matisse

This is it, exactly. Except I do feel the desire and need to do something in return when I have a service submissive- I know that for them, the scene is enough, but for me want to give them something extra, as a thank you for being so incredible. Sometimes this is a caning, or assignments to help them consider what they need submissively, or petting and physical affection. Otherwise I feel almost like it's cheating in some way. I love to be pampered, totally, but I also worry all the time that I'm taking advantage.

I gained a lot of self-knowledge and self-love through my role as a service submissive. The woman I played with was excellent and understanding as I struggled to find my way through my desires, which were like a minefield of insecurity and uncertainty. I experienced how amazing and meditative it was to serve someone who was calm, controlled, and knew what to ask for. At the time I suspected it was the sort of situation I craved as a submissive- now, I realize it was something I craved to have myself. There's a nigglyness to service that I can appreciate- having everything just so, like in serving tea or setting a table. One day I hope to be lucky enough to inspire a submissive the way she inspired me, to give someone else the comfort and organization of a service position.

Watching Gosford Park really reacquainted me with my desire for such a household. There's something about how it bustles along! One of my favourite Pat Califia stories in "Macho Sluts" also talks about a woman who has a personal assistant and a chauffeur and it's just so, so hot. Sigh! A valet. That's what I want, my own personal queer kinky Jeeves.

On a completely unrelated note (and because watching Gosford Park inspired this whole blog) I want to make a note of this quote-

"I believe in love. Not just getting it, but giving it. I think that if you're able to love someone, even if they don't know it, even if they can't love you back, then it's worth it."

I wanted to make a note of this because this is my attitude. It is worth it. I always err on the side of love and loss. And it hurts- sometimes it rips me apart- but it's worth it because it's beautiful and fierce. I wouldn't want to do it differently.