in the dark

I masturbate in the near-dark. This is partially because it helps me to focus on the task, dare I say it, at hand, but also because when I masturbate I am flooded with shame.

I'm not the sort of girl who was brought up in a culture of shame. I was brought up to explore my kinks freely, and to figure out if and how I could play with them consensually and safely. I'm out as everything- kinky, poly, trysexual, a sex worker- but this part of myself, this shadow self... that I keep hidden. Even as I write this blog I worry about what my readers would think of me if you knew what I wank off to, what actually gets me to shudder and my pussy to flood with cum.

It's nothing as simple as rape fantasies for me, kids. I mean, I like them, don't get me wrong, but they're no longer... enough. I hesitate to say that, as I don't believe you have a need to go further and darker when you play with these things in general. I don't believe rape fantasies are a gateway drug to other noncon... but, for me, it does take something pretty taboo, something that makes me flush in the face as my cunt gushes.

I'm so far into the kink thing, I sometimes get off on impregnation smut. Between heterosexuals. I feel like I have a problem, and then I wonder about the sort of girl I am that having vanilla, missionary position sex seems like the ultimate taboo...

I read a lot of the stories from the Kristen Archives. When I read these stories, I get wet. I've tried wanking to more intellectual smut, like stuff compiled by Alison Tyler or Carol Queen, but what I really get off on is those cheap books with weird cartoony covers in the smut shop, the ones with terrible grammar and spelling and where the pages fall out if you read them one handed. I get off on de Sade, who isn't known for his... erm... smart sexy reading. I read stuff that is illegal for me to own if it was on video, for various reasons. Which is why, when the orgasm has come and gone, and I'm lying on the bed spent, I delete the web history, I hide the books again, and then I relax.

I don't know if I could look someone in the face if they knew what I do in private.

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