So this week, as I race through porn parodies I've missed out on, let's look at how the adult industry has taken kids movies/shows... and then corrupted them into things not fit for children. Yes, this week it's the "Think Of The Children" series, which will be tagged as such.

Remember, I watch these so you don't have to (unless you want to!)

Today's porn parody is "Not The Wizard of Oz XXX", another in the theme of porn films lacking in creative titles. I really love the Wizard of Oz, and adaptations like "Wicked" or "Lost Girls" make me really happy. I think it's a coming of age story that fits really well into the porn genre, at least potentially. But, seriously, HOW do you make a straight porn out of the Wizard of Oz???

It's pretty fucking incredible.

It starts off in black and sepia, fabulous costumes, and Nina fucking Hartley as  a sassy, cocksucking (!) Auntie Em. I am filled with fucking joy. Dorothy, played by Maddy O'Reilly, wears an outfit is so obviously from the "sexy fill-in-the-blank" section of the Halloween shop and I don't care.

Auntie Em starts things off sucking cock like a champ, no surprise there as Nina's an award winning super sexy porn star. The whole "I didn't know things were so hard at the farm you had to become a cocksucker but yer real pretty doing it" dialogue was  inspired, though I kinda wish you saw the face to the penis.

Dorothy walks in and is stunned! Shocked! A bit excited! at seeing her beloved Auntie taking a load in her mouth- but she waits til the cumshot before saying anything, the little pervert.

Oh yeah, and by the way it's a FUCKING MUSICAL WITH FUCKING IN IT

Dorothy sings a sweet little song about chasing her rainbow before pulling off her panties and masturbating, cause, why not? I can't say I was persuaded that a farm girl would have such a glossy french manicure (or a bald pussy), but never mind. Suspension of disbelief is vital to enjoyment of the porn parody. I also loved the touch of the wind blowing fiercer and fiercer as she gets closer and closer to orgasm, pulling up a tornado of sexual desire.

Then, the male farm hands (and possibly her uncle?) LOCK HER OUT OF THE STORM CELLAR. Wow, cold, guys! Dorothy gets swept up in a tornado, sees some random things out the window that amuse her more than scare her as far as I can tell, and opens the door to a suddenly colourful world that's small looking but pretty! Very pretty.

Oh yeah, Glinda (played by Annika Albrite) tells her delightedly that she's a murderer but if she follows the Yellow Prick Road  she can figure out how make some cash and get back back to Kansas. There's a weird but story-progressing song that sounds very... I dunno, very 80s elevator music, while the one Munchkin around (played by Stella Marie) smiles at them. They're interrupted by the Wicked Witch of the West (played by Brandy Aniston, who is, apparently, far sluttier than her dead twin sister) . I adored the Witch immediately because she's amazing and has the best fucking lines. "Now give me the fucking shoes!" "Twister killed my sister and delivered a fucking prude!"  She's fabulous, everything I'd want in a Witch.

The Witch demands  that the Munchkin blow her Guard (Eric John), which is a hot scene that uses the usual angles, which is actually refreshing because it doesn't make a huge deal out of the fact that she's a little person. Also she has gorgeous floral tattoos that her pink dress exposes nicely, which as a lover of tats I really liked. The white gloves of the guard gripping her hip was really sexy. The background music actually works really well (and I found that the background soundtracks added to each scene rather than taking away from it- I'm glad they kept it varied and made it make sense for the environment).

Dorothy puts on her ruby slippers (which, shockingly, are not stripper heels, at least not yet- I have a sneaking suspicion they will be by the end) and starts off on the Yellow Prick Road towards the Emerald City, where the Wizard might be able to help her with her issue. She runs into The Scarecrow (Mac Turner) whose problem is that he has no ambition, and keeps being stuck at dead end jobs. "Wanna make love?" he says to Dorothy, who says, pretty sensibly for a porno, "But I don't even know you!" He's played as a bumbling, hopeful, well-meaning sort and was actually kind of endearing.

He sings a song about how much he wants to get laid, and also maybe find some ambition, but really he wants to have sex. Thankfully, there appears out of nowhere Sheila, the Lady Scarecrow (Alexis Adams), who wants to give him "a goodbye kiss". This is, of course, porn parody talk for "a blowjob in a field", and so that happens, presumably with Dorothy just... watching? I got distracted by the hay that ended up sticking to Sheila's inner thigh during the sex, because tumbles in the hay are actually kind of uncomfortable. Maybe not for scarecrows though.

Then they meet the Tinman (Dick Chibbles, which is the best porno name ever, and he's also a porn clown, people), who has rusted up after fucking the Witch, presumably because she squirted all over him (which, um, HOT). He sings a song about how he doesn't have much luck with the ladies, and that he's looking for that from the Wizard, so Dorothy invites him along and they continue.

Here, I get confused, because we meet a white dude pretending to be a pimp..? instead of the Lion, which is what I expected. This Pimp dude (Seth Gamble) offers to help her earn lots of money (but we know the pimp game, it won't be for her, will it) as long as she "shows him the goods". "I'd do anything to help Auntie Em save her farm so I don't have to see her give strange men in capes blowjobs in our living room!" she says, and then promptly gives him a blowjob on the side of the road while the Scarecrow and Tinman watch them. I'll admit when I read the cast, I figured the Pimp was the standin for the Wizard, so it confused me to see him so soon. He does have a nice butt, though.  I also figured this more as a coming of age thing and figured she wouldn't have sex til the end, but hey, whatever.

Then we meet the Lion (James Bartholet), who thinks he might be turning gay, and sings a song with everyone somewhat reminiscent of "Modern Major General" about how he's not sure if he's gay, but he does think about sucking... well the song gets cut off at that point, so we'll never know. Cough. It's delightfully high camp, though, and I'm glad because the Lion has always been such a high camp character. I don't know if it's ever explicitly said what he's looking for, but possibly... direction for his sexuality? Whatever. It does give me some hope that maybe some day we'll see a mostly straight porn that has some boy on boy action, though. Some day....

After the musical number, the Witch sends her Flying Monkeys to get the ruby slippers, and then, for some reason, follows them there (I mean, isn't that what minions are for?). She sees the Pimp, sneers, and says "a white pimp? Begone, stylish man!" and poof, he's gone. Well, all right then!

I was surprised there was no Poppy Fields scene, because I though Dorothy's dream might be a fun scenario, but eh.

Now we're in the Witch's Castle. Dorothy hears from Auntie Em, who's worried for her, and says she's "no good as a hooker". I mean, do they even have currency in this realm? Then the Witch comes in and demands that someone fuck her right this very instant.

Everyone bows out, so she tells the Tinman he's won the lottery and to get her off, except she's going to have him come all over Dorothy's face instead.

He eats her pussy with some vigor, which is nice to see (but man, SO MUCH PAINT, and he's wearing a very clumsy looking outfit) before she sucks his cock and, well, the usual porn sex ensues. As per usual, I guess everyone else just stands there politely and waits, because *where are they*? I am probably one of very few people who thinks about these things while watching porn. I do wish they had either left the background "spooky castle" music going for this scene or talked dirty a bit more, as it's a very quiet scene to watch, but that also makes it feel strangely intimate. But then? Then the Tinman comes on the Witch's face instead of in Dorothy's mouth, and she melts. Aww. I hoped for a squirting scene! Oh well.

So they skip off to Oz, where they discover the Wizard has been gone for months (interesting plot twist!) Glinda shows up right about then, though, smiling blankly but indulgently, to tell Dorothy how to get home. The power of group love will do it, says Glinda, who is just as much of a bitch as in the original. WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT IN THE BEGINNING!

So, they have an "orgy". It's not an orgy. I had hoped it would be an orgy! I mean, they have the right components for a gangbang! But no, instead it's Glinda, Dorothy, and a random Emerald City Guard (Kurt Lockwood).  I mean, it's a nice enough threesome, but it's not the orgy I was hoping for. There's a lot of spanking, and some really nice making-out-while-eating-pussy type scenes which keeps it interesting. And all the makeup is running, which is pretty sexy.

All in all, "Not the Wizard of Oz XXX" was worth watching for many reasons outside of the fucking, though the fucking was pretty hot. I recommend it, because you'll be glad you saw this. Really.