I've had a long struggle with polyamory.

I love the idea of it. I want to be up for it. I've done it, happily, before, but never as the primary. I was always Girl #2, the unicorn in the closet for when a couple wanted sexyfuntimes. And it wasn't a bad way to do it- I had freedom to do my own thing, but also had a point of stability. Well, sort of, anyway. But being the secondary means that you have to step back when the couple needs to work on their issues, that you'll probably not meet the family or be included in that way. And that can kind of suck.

Currently I have a primary. And I'm really worried. I mean, ok, our relationship has been rocked a few times by our attempts at nonmonogamy- bad communication has led to me feeling really raw. Trust has been broken, or I've felt like trust has been broken, and now... I don't know if I can share. Maybe the relationship is too broken. Maybe we need time to heal first?

I thought I was good at this. So why is it that every time the boy goes out with a girl, and they talk about potential play, I feel like I'm going to throw up and I just want to break it off? I don't think it's even jealousy anymore, it's just fear, straight up gut-crunching fear. And part of that is because I have such a hard time forgiving him for the fuckups of the past. Instead I feel like I just continually punish him- or I try to forgive him, and he missteps in some other, new way, and I'm back to reeling, confused and uncomfortable.

Articles about infidelity tell you if you want to maintain the relationship, you need to forgive and go to counseling or have other solutions in place. Obviously that works a lot better for monogamy- if that partner has an affair again it's pretty unforgivable. But with nonmonogamy it's hard to tell when you're healed enough or when you're going to be healed enough to take that ginger first step back into trust. Meanwhile your partner is impatient, and maybe, like me, you're kinda sorta seeing other people yourself, so there's a lot of pressure to give up your own lovers or allow your partner freedom, just praying they don't break your trust again. I feel pretty lost and confused.

I've questioned if the boy and I should just take time off, where he can sleep around and do ageplay with people and I can just have a lot of space to deal with my feelings. I'm not sure. I guess I still feel, and have felt for a while, that novelty is still more interesting than, well, me, and I am exhausted from feeling useless. I don't know if I should just give up with nonmonogamy and try being monogamous instead. I feel certain that it'll make me miserable. So then how do I get to a place where I can trust the boy enough for us to be nonmonogamous? Time? Therapy?

I'm just so tired of feeling this way, like I have to be on guard.