Mpreg. Short for male impregnation, sometimes seen in the news or in sci-fi fantasy but more often seen in smut, particularly slash smut.

I desperately wish it was real.

I've never expected myself to be a mother. I never imagined carrying a child- it's just not something that ever crossed my mind with anything more than a faint squick. And part of it is, I think, my desire to be contrary- I HATE people telling me that as I get older I'll change my mind, because of course as a woman I'm basically a breeding mare with no other big goals in my life- or, if I have goals, they have to fit around my imminent desire to whelp. Even if my body starts giving me baby dreams and twinges, all I have to do is look at a Real Live Baby and remind myself that I don't actually hold much interest in them, certainly no patience, and while I support my friends having kids, of course, if they want, I really strongly doubt it's for me.

And I'm reminded of this every single fucking time I'm in a relationship with a boy.

Because now there's that whole issue of enjoying the freedom of trusting someone enough to get tested, and have unprotected sex with them. Being fluidbonded. Never mind that condomless tends to be easier for me, as my body doesn't self-lubricate much and I tend to suck up water based lube like it's going out of style, creating a constant fear of condom breakage (something I deal with sometimes at work, the fear I mean- I just use up lots and lots of lube!) And what comes with that desire to do without condoms? Another form of birth control. And here's where I get incredibly cranky.

Why do I have to choose between putting insane amounts of hormones in my body, hormones that cause me to be weepy, overemotional, and, in my experience, have abnormal pap smears consistently- or, an IUD, which will potentially give me heavier, more painful periods, along with being incredibly invasive? Oh, right, because I'm the motherfucking girl, and therefore if I want to have condomless sex I have to suffer for the privilege. WTF.

What particularly sucks is that puppy would make a much better mother than I would. He could do the healthy eating habits, caring for a newborn, breastfeeding, etc... if mpreg was possible. But sadly, it isn't. So we'd be stuck- I, the highly motivated one, who has a physical job in which I need my body, would be laid low if I happened to get pregnant, leaving him, the less motivated one as the breadwinner. If we decided to see it through that is (not that we would, to be honest- we're both too poor for that, and I'm hugely uncertain about my thoughts on the whole thing).

Additionally, he's said how he wishes there was something other than the permanence of vasectomy when it comes to male-controlled birth control. I agree. I wish he could get copper jammed inside his testes and suffer every month or some crap and thus take all this off of me. I hate having to worry every time I have sex "what if this time..?" Especially using condoms and not being on the pill- if one broke at work, god help me.

Fuck you, seahorses and your easygoing mpreg. Fuck you to hell.