I'm not sure where my desire to be the boy's little girl came from. It definitely sideswiped me. I had defended adult babies against judgmental sex workers online before, but didn't feel any connection to them- I always said I got to act like a kid often, in the Bay Area's whirl of costumes and parties, so why wear a romper suit? And as for the other side, as I said then, "I have the mothering instinct of something that eats its young." So I saw it around, but ignored it as not my bag.

When I met the boy and he came out about it, I worried it was going to hurt our relationship, especially if I couldn't get into the parent role. After all, he was the one into ageplay- I even encouraged him to blog about it as a way to give me a better idea why he enjoyed it. I thought it was kind of weird, to be honest, possibly a little creepy, and definitely super needy in a way I found overwhelming. Sometimes we'd do a scene and I'd feel the maternal thing for a while, but the next day, I just wanted to fuck my boyfriend. The diaper was not only a physical but a psychological cockblock.

Now, we're a Domme/sub couple. I never really mentioned in this blog how we met, even, but we met at a femdom club. I dressed in my red rocketsuit and black corset- he was in a waistcoat and bunny ears, looking rather dandy-ish and dashing. I was intrigued, but slightly withdrawn as he was with a lovely slender woman and I assumed they were together. We spoke later on the ol' Facebook, and he assured me that, while they played together, he was available for a date. I told him about the sex work, and being married but in an open arrangement, and that I was a little off in my kinks, and he asked me on a date anyway.

We met on a Thursday, went on our first date on a Sunday, and have been together ever since. When we snuggled into each other in Casa Blue and had our first, hummus-smeared kiss, I just knew. I think he did too. And in the weeks that followed, we discussed our kinks and interests, we negotiated, we began to figure out how we worked, as a couple. It wasn't always easy, mind- like I said, the AB thing weirded me out for a long time, and we've had quite a few fights about nonmonogamy. My experience vs his inexperience also gave us some trouble. But we've stuck through it, compromised, and figured shit out.

Why do I mention all this? Well, because with the ageplay, I just assumed I'd have to be the caregiver. It never occurred to me that maybe I could be the little girl. I mean, I'm the Domme, right? He's the submissive. We've switched before but he's not particularly scary, so while I submit because I love to please him, there's not really the fear element I like in Dom/sub play.

But then we realized. He'd be a great Daddy.

We had been experimenting with service submission as a way to even the playing field, energy-expending-wise. That went pretty well- I loved coming home from work to canapés and cava, while he made me dinner. And I always joked that he'd be a better parent than me. Why not have me put on the footie pajamas and suck on the pacifier? I'm a stress case, and I need time outs where I can let go and not be an adult. And the time we really started getting into it was when we were apart. He's been reading me erotic fairy tales almost every night for weeks. And I love feeling myself fall asleep to the sound of his voice. It makes it easier, the missing him.

So, while I'm enjoying exploring my queer Mummy side, I'm also finding myself needing the relaxation of being the little girl myself. It fulfills some sort of deep emotional need in me- the stories, the head petting, the snuggling. I'm no diaper fetishist, but I even kind of enjoyed the care he took in changing one. At the same time, it's interesting how intimate it is for me- at the ageplay party, the first one, I felt wildly uncomfortable and didn't want to talk to any of the other "littles". But with the boy, I feel like I can really dive into it and be vulnerable on a level I generally find very difficult. So I guess it's a trust thing for me, and a moment to let go of feeling like I have to be in charge.

So, I think I get it. And I've noticed that when I kinda acted as a caregiver to a friend of mine this last weekend, she's someone I care about and admire, who is feisty and takes care of herself most of the time. I think that I got why she wanted to just be a pretty ballerina little girl for a day, and I felt glad I could help provide that. I feel pretty sure on one level I resented the boy, who wasn't working, didn't have rent to pay, didn't cook for himself or even do his own laundry, so the idea of taking time away from our sex to baby him further pissed me off. Now that he's matured drastically, and especially now that he's taking on a more caregiver role himself, I feel better about doing it back to him.

It's funny. Months ago, I thought the ageplay thing was really really off. I'm still not convinced that it's not a way of working out emotional issues, to be honest. But now that I'm giving it a go... I get it. It's kind of fun. So bring on the Bambinos and the romper suits!