It’s been too long since I’ve had a bruise on my body that was sexyfuntimes related, instead of just due to my own clumsiness. I missed the joy I would feel looking at the underside of my breast to discover little black and blue kisses, little reminders of orgasms hard won. I missed the desire that would overwhelm me, the slaps to my face that made me wonder how hard was too hard, the tears that would trickle out of my eyes, unheeded.

Thankfully, my sweetie (let’s call him Mo, after Mono, to go with my illness theme cause, well, I'm weird) here understands all this, and left me with a nice bruise to savor for the next couple of days. And we’re discussing some play that’ll take me closer to the edge

At the same time, I’ve retreated, I suspect, back to being in charge. I’ve noticed my feistiness has tended towards quick bondage and squirming girls under my fingertips, instead of taunting the Beast in a lover, asking it to come out and play. I got lucky tonight, and met up with an old flirting buddy who let me take the edge off, let me take the Beast out for a walk on a leash. Watching him cry and beg made me want to eat him alive, and it was wonderful to remember that I could still feel that way.

I’d say once burned if I hadn’t been burned before, but I have. Maybe it’s a hiatus from the more confusing world of my own surrender, choosing the simpler one where I’m just a girl who likes to get what she wants, likes to provoke a response in the wide eyes and pale skin of a bottom under my grasp. I suspect I’d rather be the freak doing the weird things than being the freak who enjoys those weird things being done. I’m more comfortable with the idea of being a sociopath than a doormat, which, I guess, says a lot about me as a person.

I’ve been pondering what made TB special in terms of switching. Why did I trust him so much more than other sweeties? Not for his experience, for sure, as he was fairly new to these things. Was is sheer enthusiasm? Did I not, actually, trust him that much, and that was what made it sexy? Pheromones? Am I really so shallow as to say “well, he was hot, so I let him do what he liked, and loved it”? Possibly.

Mo, my statistically significant other in California. likes spanking, and anal play, two things I go for, though they both kinda freak me out sometimes. I’ve recently asked him to slap me, and that resonated in me as something I was missing. I guess, in spite of living a life of leisure here, I feel stressed enough that I need the release of a good teary-eyed fuckfest. Having broken down some barriers on the anal play department with TB, I’m eager to try it again, go a bit further. But my libido is still… not dead, but resting? Out of service, sometimes. Not there with me. And I wonder how long that’ll last. Did he break me? Can I fix it? Of course, but I didn’t realize how deeply it all affected me til I had it again, and felt that rush, that tingle. I feel it now, writing this.

I missed it.

Not working hasn’t helped, actually. I didn’t realize how much positive sexy energy I got from sex work. Sometimes I wonder if I’m some sort of succubus, and that’s why the sex is so important to me, that the oomph I get then is what powers me up to want more. When working 2, 3 times a week, I wanted to rush home and play as often as possible. Is it like a muscle? Has my libido atrophied? I mean, I went from 3, 4 times a week, generally a few orgasms a day, to 3 times in the past 2 months. I know, I know, these things come and go… I’d just like it to come back.