I always seem to miss Half Naked Thursday and often miss Fucktoy Friday.

So, instead, I'm going to talk a little about StrapItOn Saturday.

Yesterday, after a long long time of wanting one, I finally got my first soft packer (oh, yeah, and obviously, I finally bought a camera). I love genderfuck so much, and as I had recently gotten myself the Joque harness, I wanted to be able to pack. The Joque, mind, isn't the best for this, or meant for it- it's a strap on harness- but it made me feel more boyish.

Now, I am a femme. Femme-y femme femme femme. Like a drag queen magpie, I am often instantly attracted to glitter, hot fucking pink and shiny shiny shoes. I do not generally do butch because I have an insane waist to hip ratio (waist- 32" hips- 50") and therefore the only things that make me look halfway butch would be so baggy I wouldn't wear it. In my mind, I'm a dapper dandy, with lots of tweed and ascots and cufflinks. In reality, I worry if I tried for that I would just look like a British mafia boss with a Victoriana fetish. It's one of the times my fat gets in the way, because I am all hips, thighs, and giant tits.

Even though it might take some suspension of disbelief, however, I've desperately wanted to give my inner fag a chance to come out and play. And yesterday I got my first chance when I got a tan softpack, a really nice strap on black cock, and combined those with my Joque harness. And it felt kind of hot, and kind of weird. I felt a lot like I did when I was first exploring femme- like I wanted to do it justice and do it right, but with a weird sinking guilt that I was, in fact, doing it Wrong. Like there was something I should read first on how to be a boy, or a girl, or a combination of the two.

It's weird in my head sometimes. There's a lot of arguing and debate. I think some bits of my brain are queerer than thou and others are trying to calm me down, saying it's ok to explore.

Anyway. I've dated a few butches, and sleep with some FTMs, so there were some things I had to get to start me off. Having bound my chest with cling film before and found that to be successful but not comfortable, I got a really tight sports bra to give that a go instead. I found some mens boxer briefs I liked. A baggy teeshirt and the boy's jacket, along with some baggy jeans, completed the clothing part. I wasn't happy with my hair, which is long and not very boyish at all, or my glasses, which didn't hide my cheekbones- but baby steps, right? And this was mainly, for me, a chance to play around with queer masculinity.

I put in the softpack first. It was awkward because I was putting it into a strap on harness and they're very squishy, so it was easy to pull out. After some adjustment I managed it, and put my underwear on over.

I actually really liked that. It was both exciting and kind of scary for me- femme has been such a huge part of my life that the idea of finding something I click with in butchness is probably going to lead me into another identity crisis. It felt... right, in a way. And that almost felt wrong. I'm happily female-bodied, and don't want to fetishize trans experience or treat it as a novelty. But all that didn't stop me from feeling comfortable with this new me.

Having the boy fondle my cock through my jeans and then through my boxer briefs was hot, if a little too soon. I think I need some time to pack and just be pacing, without a sexual context, so I get used to that. And seeing him pull my cock out and suck on it was... endearing. Having someone lovingly tongue your flaccid cock feels very caring and loving. There's no doubt that I felt attached to this cock, that it became a part of me.

Wanting to try my other cock, I changed them out. The one issue with the erect dildos, for me, is that I tend to like the non-realistic ones, but they obviously don't match the softpack. This means my cock goes from tan to black in these photos, and that's a little weird, but I can't pack my erect cock, it looks obscene!

This cock is kind of big. The cock I identify with, the one that's been "my cock" for a long while, is a black rubber one I got in London. It's average, about 6", nothing too crazy, not too thick. Well, this new cock is massive. I felt almost embarrassed by the size of it, to be honest, as I'm not a size queen and don't really indulge in that sort of thing. But it's got a great feel to it. I might grow into it as I get more confident in my boy self. Last night, though, I just blushed and squirmed when the boy told me how hung I was.

The other thing I need to work out is that my cock never sits over my clit. Harnesses just don't do that comfortably for me, and I wonder if I'm not wearing it quite right or what. It's be nice to get a physical rush when getting a hand job, not just an intellectual one.

But this is definitely something I'm going to explore more.

I just need to work out a more masculine name- "Kitty" is about as far away as you can get!