I was lucky enough today to sit at a table in Oakland with brilliant bloggers maymay and Clarisse Thorn, both people I admire and respect hugely. We talked about a lot of things, but one of the things that really stuck with me is thinking about sex as political. It comes to mind particularly because of a discussion over on the blog of Thumper, which I found via maymay's reaction on his own blog. This particular discussion was interesting to me, not because of the subject (orgasm control, which I could take or leave really) but because of the discussion around the way Thumper phrased his feeling that chastity, enforced by a woman, worked for him.

Well, he didn't say "for him", you see. He said:

ANYWAY, point being (and the point I made in my previous post) is that I firmly believe orgasm control is Right and Natural. There’s nothing kinky about it. It’s totally clear to me now that literally every man in a relationship should have his orgasm controlled by his partner (no, I’m not ignoring you gay guys, but I need to leave you out of this for clarity’s sake). I know that sounds very out there and draconian and like I know what’s best for the entire world. Can’t help it. You can disagree with me if you want, but it seems that, for a man, the act of committing himself to a woman would take on so much more significance if he was also committing one of the critical things that defined him as a man: his orgasm. Not only that, it would make it much more difficult for his partner to drift away. If he really meant it and lived up to his word, the two would be forever locked in a symbiotic feedback loop.

Now, people have their things. Who'm I to judge? I do some crazy kink stuff myself. And. like I said, it's not the fetish, it's about how it's presented that I find problematic. Why? Well, maymay said it pretty well- I'll just quote a snippet:

Put simply, this is the most disgusting paragraph I have ever read from you, and possibly from any blogger in a very long time. Perhaps that is because I greatly enjoy your writing and find that you and I share much of the same fetishistic desires. So I am perhaps hugely disappointed, which thus fuels my disgust at such a ridiculous and callously sexist statement coming from someone who has a track record that has stayed relatively clear of such contemptible essentialism.

Tell me, Thumper, while you stroke your ego for so carefully addressing the wrinkle of homosexuality while simultaneously tossing it to the winds, what about the heterosexual women, what about the wrinkle of gender? What “should” they do with their desires, in your worldview?

 This exchange started a discussion (and really, you can read it on maymay's blog here, or the aftermath on Thumper's blog here, here and here). To summarize, Thumper said "but what I say isn't political, it's personal! And if people read and are informed by my blog that's their responsibility! I should be able to say what I like!" to which maymay basically said "sex is political in nature".

Ok, now that we're all up to speed, I can say my own stuff. :)

"The personal is political" is a second wave feminist thing, or at least they've claimed it. The idea of the phrase was that it's equally as important to get together and raise consciousness about  personal experiences of oppression as it is to go to rallies and protests. I think it's incredibly relevant to the world of sexuality, particularly because sexuality is often restricted and controlled by government forces, and because the nature of western attitudes towards sexuality (particularly in the US) is shame, shame, and more shame. Opening up discussions on how the effects of that shame affects us as individuals is hugely important to raise consciousness and spark critical thinking around these issues.

But what annoyed me was Thumper's protest-"As I said before, sex is not political for me. It’s personal. You can go fight the good fight. Leave me out of it." No, sorry, Thumper. You're a sex blogger. People read your blog. As several female sex bloggers could tell you, no matter how much you'd rather avoid politics colliding with your personal life, when you post it on the internet that doesn't always happen- sometimes with incredibly shitty results. When you say something like "this is the right way of things" you are making a political statement, whether you're aware or not. And when someone makes you aware of how that actively negates other people's also valid experiences, it's poor form to respond by shutting off comments to your blog and basically have a hissy fit.

This is also relevant to the discussion going on about men and porn. Violet Blue made an excellent post about the recent New York Magazine article arguing that porn makes men (cause of course women never watch porn and aren't visually stimulated) into sexually unresponsive zombies. Now, a lot of people would say that the politics of porn are focused on the rights and treatment of performers- but it's a lot more far-reaching than that. Attitudes about porn both reflect and are informed by attitudes around sexuality- usually the more conservative attitudes.

Here's a few ways porn is political if you're a consumer- is your sexuality/ethnicity/body type/gender portrayed in a sexy, realistic way enjoying genuine pleasure? Fatphobia, transphobia, homophobia, heteronormativity, racism, sexism, and gender essentialism all crop up in porn a LOT, and that's just a sampler. As a straight dominant woman, is there porn to reflect your interests that doesn't have your trussed up like a prized latex ham? That's related to attitudes about dominant women only indulging "their man", fucked up ideas about female sexuality, and fucked up attitudes about who consumes pornography. How is the porn advertised? With the recent Nikki Blue shoot and the discussion of Kink Inc's incorrect and problematic portrayal of virginity, the advertising of the event proved to touch on issues with things as varied as sexual education to the perceived value of the female hymen. Are the sex acts you enjoy shown in porn? A lot of activities are illegal to own videos of- fisting and watersports, say, in the UK. Never mind the inaccurate ideas that porn desensitizes men to real life sex... or that these studies exclusively seem to focus on straight men. See how your private porn habits are actually a political act?

The personal really is political, whether you're conscious of it or not. The way I choose to eat, how I get around my city, where I get my camping equipment from- these are all political decisions. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I am willfully ignorant of where this meat came from or the fact that this company mistreats the employees or is anti-choice, because it's easier. But it's not because these choices aren't political. Sometimes the fact I feel like I can't do the ethical thing has to do with even MORE political issues- like I might get bacon at Safeway because I can't afford the bacon at Andronicos, the ethical choice is financially inaccessible.

And sex is personal. Meaning, yes, it's political. The toys you use. The porn you watch. The communities you move in, and how you hold them accountable, and for what. How you learned about sex, and why you feel the way you do about it. Whether or not you feel safe around your desires. And, yes, if you're a sex blogger blogging about personal shit, I do think it's pretty damn important to speak from your experience, and not try to claim that how you feel is true for everyone. And if you slip, and someone calls you on it, accept your mistake with grace. Sex work might be comfortable for me, but I'd never say that it's always a choice, or that it's the right thing for everyone who does it. Because politically, that's a dangerous thing to say- and untrue.

Consciousness sucks, huh?