Every day feels like a weight, heavy in my heart, adding to this sense of depression I keep trying to push back, I keep trying to ignore. I don’t want to go back to California. Sure, it’s a great place, filled with amazing people, and it’s creative and inspiring and NOT LONDON.

It’s not easy to be a sex worker in San Francisco. First there’re the laws that keep you constantly looking over your shoulder and trying to work out if someone’s trying to pull something with you. Entrapment may be illegal but that doesn’t make it rare. The cops treat sex workers like we’re subhuman, more often than not, with the support of a community that keeps being told that decriminalization would ruin neighborhoods and “think of the children”. There’s how you can’t specify what you offer and don’t offer, because if you’re too specific and a cop is on the line you could be arrested without ever taking your clothes off. There’s the fact that because it’s illegal places that are reputable to advertise on can set their price as high as they’d like, cause who would you complain to?

Add to that clients who constantly have reinforced that hookers = drug addicts = subhuman, and you have clients who feel it’s their prerogative to insult you, threaten you, put their hands on you in nonconsensual ways. It’s hard to love your job when your clients treat you like shit day in and day out. And even harder when there’s nothing you can do about it, which is the way it feels in the States. I remember getting texts from a guy saying wasn’t it tragic how many hookers died every year, or phone messages telling me that I was a fat pig who didn’t deserve to get fucked for free, much less paid for it. Horrible things that people would never imagine saying to someone’s face gets thrown at sex workers.

I haven’t dealt with any of that shit here. The one guy who was bothering me about my sex work was taken seriously by the police. Other than that, people only contact you if they actually want to see you for a session, not just to take out their misogyny on someone. Such a little thing, but it means a lot to me. I enjoy my work more here because I get treated with respect.

Having had that, going back to trolling for substandard punters who will subsequently treat me like a commodity instead of a person providing a service is just a depressing thought. I’m trying not to think about it much. With that in mind, expect a much perkier entry soon.