So recently I retweeted this:
"RT @misswhipass say to a slave "Are you straight " he says "Yes Mistress" you say "suck that cock" he says "Yes Mistress" ..Bi now Gay Later"
I thought this was kind of funny, especially as one of my high school boyfriends had experience identifying as bisexual during school and now living as a mostly gay (if not completely gay, I'm not sure) man.
I was told that by retweeting this, I was promoting biphobia and bi erasure, something I can understand being a reaction. Telling people that bisexuality is a phase, or a holding ground between straight and gay, is really frustrating when you identify as bisexual. I remember having to defend my identity often, in high school, as not being a phase, that I was open to being in a relationship with either. I remember how frustrating it was, too, being nonmonogamous and bisexual, explaining over and over that no, I wasn't bi because I was "just slutty", and I wasn't nonmonogamous because I "needed both". I can totally emphasize with her anger, because I had been angry about it too.
This came right after I had posted something on Facebook about an article discussing guys who identify as "mostly straight"- something that I thought was actually kind of neat. I like the idea of guys starting to take steps to explore and challenge their assumed sexual identity. Women have more of a tendency to feel comfortable exploring bicuriosity- much to the frustration of lesbians who get tired of being training wheels for experimentation. But then, women are also (supposedly) less likely to have specific, concrete fetishes. Women are socialized and often encouraged to have a fluid sexual identity, at least far more so that men. So I welcomed an article suggesting that men are beginning to feel more comfortable saying that the labels "straight" or "gay" don't necessarily work for them.
I identify as queer, now. I came to that decision because I felt the term bisexual was too limiting for me, that it encouraged a binary of gender I was uncomfortable with. Anthropology classes taught me that gender was a spectrum, and could be fluid, and therefore I felt as uncomfortable with bisexual as a term (suggesting male or female) as I did with the idea that you were either gay or straight. Queer was more... open. And I liked that. Just as I don't generally identify with monogamous or polyamorous, choosing instead the more flexible term or nonmonogamous.
But then, for me, in my experience, my sexuality and gender is fluid, at least to a certain point. I mostly know people who have had a similar experience with their sexuality and gender expression. And I sympathize with people who look at all the labels out there and say "but that doesn't exactly mirror how I identify".
What pissed me off is the belief that because I no longer identify as bisexual, I have no experience with bisexuality, or that I should shut up and sit down on bisexual issues. It's that whole "prove your cred at the door" thing all over again that one finds in some queer spaces, and it was really disappointing.
The example given as similar was that of denying trans lesbians access to lesbian space, because they were male, and therefore had access to male privilege. Now, I think that's unacceptable, and often more linked to fears that a straight transvestite might wave around a queer identity so they can leer. That said, I ran a Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society group, which led to an interesting thought process on how to make it open to Ladies without it being invaded by male energy. I decided my way to navigate this was to say "Ladies" for the Sake of this Society will refer to Those who live full time as Women, and FTM and intersex people who feel that they still have a link to the women's / dykes community." This seemed to work pretty well at leaving it to people to consider their own identity without me being the gender police. And I recognize that while trans men may no longer feel tied to the women's community, they also might, and they've spent a fair bit of time dealing with sexism themselves.
Someone may have identified as bi long enough to experience a fair amount of biphobia, or hell, may know enough bi people to be able to give an opinion based on their experience or the experience of those they know. While I was told "if you don't identify as bi now, you never were", I disagree. I don't think ALL people who are bisexual have fluid sexual identities, but also refuse to ignore that some DO. People change, people shift, they grow in different ways and I don't think being fluid means that you have no right to talk about any identity. Her experience may not reflect that, and that's ok... mine does, and I don't think my experience is less valid because I don't have a solid, unchanging identity. Additionally, I don't think one is better than the other, or more evolved- like with mono/poly, I think that some people find one works better for them, others may identify as poly for years and then monogamous, and that doesn't take away from their experience.
Let me declare this now. I've been touchy about certain subjects- jokes about rape, say, or this TSA bullshit. I'm less touchy on other subjects. Sometimes I say something that offends someone, and I'm sorry to offend them. I personally enjoy jokes that're in bad taste sometimes, and I get that it's not funny to everyone. I laughed at this short, though it definitely hit close to home! But I also pick my battles carefully. I'm more interested in fighting the big fights than squabbling among other activists. If someone says something I disagree with, I generally try to engage in a friendly way, not shaking my finger. Calling someone names isn't going to get them to listen, I've found, whether that be in queer circles, women's rights circles, or any other activism group. One day, I hope we'll be as good as the Republicans in realizing that we aren't really each other's enemies and we, as activists, have a lot of common goals.
So, if I offend you with something I say- know that I only ever speak from my own experience and will try my damnedest never to invalidate yours- know that I'm often sorry I offended you, and am interested in hearing why you feel that way- and know that if you start to make personal attacks or tell me my life experiences aren't valid, I will probably stop listening.
And this whole experience is definitely part of why I stopped going to most rallies.
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