I was browsing through one of my online sex toy catelogues when I came across a garish ad declaring one store's bestsellers. #1? Anal-Eze.

I wept inside.

Anal-Eze is Bad News, folks. It's a lubricant with numbing agents to "help you accommodate larger toys/penises". You know what it'll really help you with, though? A trip to the hospital because you tore something and didn't know it, or got an infection and had no idea. Seriously, these things are not good for your bum!

A good rule of thumb is that if you *think* you need Anal-Eze what you need instead is a) a good, quality lubricant, possibly a gel formula, that's made for booty-lovin' (I'd suggest sliquid's sassy formula or Maximus, myself) and b) time. Yep, time. It takes time to fuck someone in the ass! Kind of like fisting- you don't just shoot up an orifice with Novocaine so you don't feel what your partner is doing. I mean, if you can't feel it, dude, what's the point?

Never mind the important fact that your body expresses pain as a way of communicating that something is not right. The last thing you should do is dull your senses- you should be aware so that your anal play is as sexy, fun, and comfortable as possible. Because then you'll both want to do it again!

So, no. Don't use Anal-Eze, I beg you. While we're at it, avoid cunt-tightening creams, spermicide, and jelly toys without a condom. There's so many ways to enjoy sex, please please pretty please don't take a wrong turn down Horrible Medical Issue Alley. It's scary down there.