I considered adding this into the last blog, as it's directly related, but I figured I could best expand on this in its own entry.


I was reading a bit about how people became Mommies and Daddies in this scene, and came across this statement from a switch into the adult baby thing:


" I always did kinda look at the mommy daddy thing a bit oddly cause more so for littles I just cant see the.. reciprocation of care and love and effort. Too many just plan on one day living where they don't have to work, feed themselves, dress themselves, or ANYTHING. Then somehow think that just their presence and smile to the other pays them back for completely saddling their life on another.. How is this not the most self centered idea on the planet?  I mean most of us know its hard enough for us to support our OWN life, and even though we akin it to real parents well at least at that point we are passing on OUR VERY GENES in most cases, and are only doing it in any case for a temporary period that even still is hard for most.. "


When I read this, again, something clicked for me. 


Ah yes. Resentment. 


While with bdsm, I can find ways to get my submissive to do things for me that make my life easier (mostly service related, which I kink hard for anyway), and with petplay there's a give-take that comes from being amused by kittenish antics/training ponies/playing fetch with a puppy, with the AB thing it seems... well, like having a kid. Take take take. How can it not be? I mean, I suppose if you have a toddler you can assign them chores, but god, I do not want to deal with an adult having a tantrum. And then... well, you're expected to feed them, bathe them, amuse them, take care of them, change them, clothe them... ffs! I think I'd get cross rather quickly, though mad respect to the people out there who truly enjoy being in that role all the time. Is it "it's own reward"? Really? And the thing is, an adult baby STAYS THE SAME AGE. They're never going to start doing these things themselves while in role. They'll never go to school and give you a break. Is there a support group for AB parents..?


Ok, ok, I know. An adult baby doesn't have to be in role 24-7, and god knows my pup isn't like that. But I can guarantee that's part of my emotional rebellion against this type of play- I don't want to have to be the responsible one in my sex life all the time, along with in my day to day life. I feel like I tend to be the person with the answers a lot, and I don't want that to bleed into my bedroom too! I'm glad that the pup gives us space to switch and as I explore this kink I've been the one spending a lot of time as the little girl which has given me space to begin to get it a little more.


This echoes a lot my experience as a female submissive. I would say 95% of my time as a female submissive was spent as, basically, a fuckhole. My sexual pleasure didn't enter into it in the slightest- and to fulfill my "role" "appropriately" I was expected to take what I was given and be grateful for it. But I wasn't. I was furious. The maledoms I met weren't interested in a relationship they were interested in a personification of their kink. And frankly, when I've been on forums for AB/DL stuff asking questions to try to figure out how to do this caregiving thing all I've gotten in response is a lot of "THIS IS MY KINK APPEASE IT NAO" messages that irk me. 


But you know what? That has very little to do with the AB kink, when I stop and think about it, though some kinks are more prone to it I expect. You get submissives who are total do me queens and you get Dom/mes who tell you that it's not about you so you'd better learn to get off on what they give you. It's just one of those ways that kink is broken- we're all so desperate to have our kink make manifest that we forget that we're doing this shit with someone else, who has their own kinks. Again, I think I enjoy service submission because I see very clearly how it can be done in a way to make everyone happy and relaxed- I can see how it's made fair, especially as I tend to have my service submissives contracted, so the guidelines and agreements are all laid out and discussed ahead of time.


So then- if you don't get off on being a caregiver, if it isn't its own reward for you, how do you make it interesting for yourself? There must be parents out there who have had to learn this. Maybe I should read more about post-partum depression... 


And then there's the question- if this isn't my kink now, is there anything to be gained by analyzing my feelings about it and exploring my processes? Should I just give up, or should I keep exploring, and seeing if there's anything in it for me? I always had that attitude of "how can you know unless you try it" but at the same time the various personal issues this kink has stirred up in me has the pup wishing he never told me about it at all. How can I be true to myself, and figure this out, without making him feel like I think he's fucked up and weird?


And, really, how can I stop feeling fucked up and weird myself? Cause frankly, both these blogs boil down to the one looming feeling that I actually lack important human empathy, and that my choice to not breed isn't a choice so much as knowledge that I lack the ability to connect to other people in any meaningful way. And wouldn't that be trite- the sex worker who can't emotionally connect, who "cannot love"...