I'm watching a movie called "City Rats" and thinking about how prostitution is portrayed in the media. It's a pretty good flick- beautifully shot, and one I would watch again, actually- but it has the same idea as many of them do, that of sex worker as either tragic figure or money-grabber, as damaged, as jaded, and bored.

My impression of my work is that I am a two way mirror. Sometimes, clients want a reflection of their desires, with very little of my personality involved- like how, if there's light on the client's said of the mirror, then it works as a mirror, and they don't see me. But other times, they prefer their side a bit darker, and my side lit- and then the mirror works like a window, instead, where I get to shine.

Maybe part of my problem is that I haven't been jaded. I get pretty emotionally involved in my work, hence why I work infrequently, and work with people I enjoy seeing multiple times. I genuinely care about my clients, and they generally genuinely care about me- I don't pretend to be heterosexual, or interested in cunnilingus, when I'm not. My clients are mostly average- I've never had one that's ugly, really, just ok looking, and sometimes very hot! I don't get overly intimate, most of the time, though there is one man I see I would call a close friend as well as a client- but I do share of myself, as I'm happy to offer that.

Not everyone is, to be fair, and they don't have to be, don't get me wrong. It's just not my MO to keep those fences up. This has worked against me, for sure- my relationship with Sh may have been best left as a professional one, and I doubt I'll go so far as to take my professional life personal again. I guess, while I don't feel the need for those strict boundaries, there is often a reason why these men come to a sex worker, and not a girlfriend- the boundaries are for their sake, too, not just mine. And maybe that's what I wish you saw more in media- that it's the clients who need that space and distance, as much if not more than the sex workers.

The money affects me mainly because I can then stop for a while if I get burnt out, which really just gives me an advantage over other workers. If you get sick working in an office, you can't really take a month off, you know? You just stick through it, and get restless.

The other thing that gets me, and has before this movie, is the idea that sex workers cannot love/have intimate relationships because of their personal issues, generally implied to have been brought about by work. Let me share what has been affected by my work-

-I suspect my lovers tend to consider me the girl you have fun kinky sex with, but not someone you get emotionally attached to, because I'm a sex worker (and also polyamorous, but that's another blog).

-sometimes I get selfish about what I want sexually because my work is about focusing on other people getting off... or sometimes I don't want sex at all because I'm starved for other intimacies.

-sometimes work gets me crazy turned on and I want a lot more sex! Sometimes I want a followup session to my work sessions.

-often I want more head petting and affection. I've found myself also drawn a lot more to the submissive play I do with G- I think the catharsis is helpful, somehow.

-I end up needing to date people who are happy to hear about other relationships, otherwise, I can't bitch about work!

-I've found I enjoy keeping a few types of kinky play just between me and my lovers, not with clients, so there are some "special", "just us" stuff.

-I've more vocal in bed about what I like and don't like, and negotiate better in general- if I'm not having my needs acknowledged, I expect to at least be getting paid.

That's some of it. I'm sure there's more, maybe I'll add to it as I go along. But no, being a sex worker doesn't mean you have to be less emotionally intimate with lovers. Maybe it does if you want monogamous partnership. Not been my experience though! We're people, not exclusively fantasy objects, and as such we have our own needs and lives. Why wouldn't we just due to our jobs?