Every time I've had my head shaved, even a little bit, I can't stop touching it. There's something about the softness, yet the little bit of prickle under the hands that I find incredibly sensual. When someone is buzzing my hair, I get shivers up and down my spine- from the sound, the gentle way the person doing the cut moves my head around, the feeling of the vibration, the tickle of hair as it falls on my shoulders, breasts, and back.

I've eroticized head shaving for a long time. When Deb shaves her head in Empire Records while the Cranberries sing "Free", I felt an excitement I didn't really understand. It's framed, often, as an act of destruction, shaving hair off. It's seen as a reduction of self, as a dehumanizing thing, and for women in particular, it's seen as humiliation or as self harm.

But I saw Deb cutting her hair off and lightening her load with each snip, like she was shedding layers of who she was and becoming someone new. She looked hot as hell with a shaved head, too, something I would feel over and over as I watched head shaving scenes in "V For Vendetta", "Game of Thrones", "GI Jane". And there were (and are!) lots of hot femmes with shaved heads on various red carpets to give me flutterings in my stomach. I mean I'll admit I kinda got into the scene in Fury Road where Max is tied up and having his hair cut short (though the clippers don't come out...)

Even though I get such pleasure from it, I have never completely shaved my head. I'm afraid of how I'd look, I guess- I worry my head might be an odd shape, or that being a fat femme with a completely shaved head would look really strange. I guess there's a part of me that still clings, even a little, to the need to be "pretty" as a fat femme in some way the mainstream can recognize. My undercut was a way of fighting against that, but I mean, even straight guys have undercuts now, so.

I've never been able to shave someone else's whole head, either. Until Tuesday.

Tuesday I got to sit my lover down, outside, and cut off chunks of his hair with abandon before buzzing it short. He needed it cut anyway for a movie he's a part of, and I had asked for the chance to do it when he told me months back. I have never known him to have hair this short- in fact, I don't know that he ever has. I wondered how he would look when it was done, if I would like it, if he would like it.

Seeing the locks I gripped when we made out or ran my fingers through while we watched a movie drift to the concrete as I snipped was a little scary to me in its eroticism. Transforming him under my hands gave me a rush of intimacy and power I didn't fully anticipate. We had originally discussed plans to use footage of the shaving for some eventual porn, perhaps an initiation, perhaps a kidnapping, perhaps a medical experiment. In the end, we just filmed it separately. It wasn't rough, but our faces were stoic as I worked, both of us in silence.

Inside I was giddy. Every stroke with the clippers created tidiness. Feeling the soft-prickliness of his shorn head was hot as hell. I didn't get a lot of time to drool over the experience because we had plans that night, but watching the footage made me bite my finger. And god, with a shaved head he looks so amazing all femmed up- somehow I feel like he's more femme with a shaved head than before? Maybe that's just my projection of what I find sexy.

I don't have a lot of firsts left to do, but this was a special one.  The trust that was exchanged, allowing me to do such a drastic modification
(even if he was going to have it done regardless), was a rush, and I can't wait to rub his fuzzy head!