So I figured rather than continue with contemporary porn sitcoms, why not check out "Not The Bradys XXX" which had been gathering dust on my shelf for quite some time?

The music is adorable and spot on, with an updated porno intro sequence that's a fabulous parody. I wondered if there was going to be any Brady-on-Brady action, and there's a little bit, but not very much for a porn that has 6 apparently horny teens living together. Apparently the director (Will Ryder) struggled to get this distributed at all, so I can understand why he didn't go that route (though we do get a Marcia and Greg pairing at the end, during a dream sequence).

We open as Mrs. B/Carol (Alana Evans) tries to reassure her husband, Mike (Mike Horner), that they'll be able to get by financially, even though he seems to have messed up a lot at work. He tells her they might lose their house, and she says chirpily "at least we have each other, and the kids!" an they embrace. The "teenage" girls overhear about the money issues and offer to help by getting jobs, but the parents are firm that school is far more important. Alice (a startlingly convincing Lynn LeMay) suggests they have some pie, and everyone forgets their troubles over a slice.

The girls talk to their brothers about the financial troubles, and the oldest two, Greg (Benjamin Brat) and Marcia (Hillary Scott), decide to look for jobs in the Want Ads against their parents wishes. Marcia finds an ad for figure modeling and decides she'll give it a go, though she's not entirely sure what it entails. Greg says he knows someone who does it and makes loads of money, and must be dating a doctor as she goes by the medical clinic a lot. RIMSHOT!

Marcia innocently meets up with a sleazy dude (Lu Brigaté, which is a very clever name) who says "yeah sure yup figure models that's what we do here" as a naked woman gets onto the bed behind them. Marcia doesn't seem to notice because she's Just That Innocent. Lu says not to tell people about visiting their "fine establishment", and persuades her that it's for an international market, so no one will ever know if she models topless. Marcia leaves after a few polaroids are taken, but runs into Katie (Jasmine Byrne), the friend Greg was talking about. For some reason, Marcia immediately assumes Katie is doing porn, and she confirms it. Katie then tells her a bit about porn and brings her to the set (super meta, cause the director is, in fact, the director). Marcia is a "good girl" though, and is kind of scared off the set when she sees Sam the Butcher (Ron Jeremy) eating someone out.

Katie ends up running into Bobby (Mickey Butders), the middle brother of the Brady set who followed Marcia. They end up sucked into a porn scene together that features a lot of enthusiastic oral sex and fingering. Because this is meant to be a porn set, Katie does look at the camera at times and that sense of awareness of the gaze is kinda sexy. There's some occasional dirty talk lines that're truly filthy and surprising even to me! There's a very expressive cumshot that you might enjoy if that's your thing.

Sam ends up coming by the house to give some meat to Alice (heeeeeyo) and Greg asks Sam for a job cutting meat. Alas, Sam says has already given it to Bobby. They're going to have to find another method to raise money. Greg asks Marcia about the job, and Marcia seems to be considering a career in porn after all. WILL SHE DO IT (as this is a porn, my guess is yes). She confronts her brother Greg on possibly dating Katie, and he retorts, "she might be a cheerleader, but she's also captain of the debate team". Good for her!

The girls end up washing a car with their boobs while their parents remark how their little babies are growing up. Alice drops a bombshell- apparently the girls have a lot of jelly toys in their room (including, incidentally, the first toy I ever had) while the boys are going through a lot of hand lotion... and not cause of dry skin. The parents seem relatively nonplussed by this though.
We then move to Cindy (Leah Luv) who has met a strange, biker-ish dude (Kurt Lockwood) who wants a $10 car wash. He sees her, though, and decides to offer her $200 for sex instead. "You're not a rapist right?" she asks, and he says "No! Do I look like a rapist?" so Cindy, satisfied, says "ok then!" and brings him to the den, where she proceeds to give him a blowjob. They establish VERY CLEARLY that she only LOOKS barely legal. It's pretty pointed in the dialogue, and I understand why- Cindy is an expert at playing the little girl and has braces. In fact I wonder if they made her grow out pubic hair in order to further establish she hit puberty. It's a little weird to watch.

Then we switch to Jan (Aurora Snow), who is "working on a school project" with Ramone (Tee Reel), who is apparently Katie's brother. They're working on this project in the back garden, not in the privacy of Jan's room like Alice says (?) but whatever porn logic! We get a long blowjob, complete with some balllicking, and it's all actually kind of sweet. There's a lot of kissing, some nice pussy licking... it's my favourite scene so far. The sex makes me wonder if no one looks outside into the garden because she's being pretty loud all things considered. But porn logic!

Jan and Marcia end up talking about Marcia's dilemma, and Jan gets to use the "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia" line to reasonable effect.

SO now we go to Peter (James Deen), who is entertaining two girls, Ronique (Veronique Vega) and Alina (Paulina James), who want to show him their panties. Supposedly, their mothers bought these g-strings... I'm not convinced. I believe this is a ploy. This starts off a threesome of course, which, as my partner said, "there is something inherently perverse about sex in a room with a bunk bed". Yup. James Deen is, however, pretty good at threesomes, and is reasonably good at entertaining both girls at once. Multitasking!

Carol, having found naked photos of Marcia, wonders if she should be worried, or if she's a bad parent. Mike and Alice reassure her before Alice leaves to go bowling with Sam (we never see either of these porn legends naked, sadly, at least sadly to me). Mike and Carol are left to themselves in the house, and proceed to fuck in the living room. It's a nice scene with a lot of eye contact and it felt the most realistic, like they could in fact be a real couple. Something about Mike's face and noises, and the way Carol looks at him was lovely. There's some tittyfucking in there too, which I just don't think we see enough of.

Then the kids apparently get home. Marcia and Greg talk about pornos, and Greg says he thinks performing in porn is a great way to make some extra money. Marcia gets hit in the nose with a football, which spawns a dream sequence so she and Greg can "make a porn" to sell to that studio and so they get it on. I guess the fact it's a dream sequence is supposed to make it... better? I'm not sure. Anyway she regrets it, wakes up, and that's pretty much the end of it.

Throughout this porn there's some POV shots of the blowjobs, if that's something you get into. I'm not as into it, and sometimes they feel really disorienting to me because of the weird perspective. I'm sad that there's not really a lot of in-character banter, which is what makes the difference between a regular porn and a parody porn in my opinion.

In short? This is a better porn than a parody porn, and if you're creeped out by sexual ageplay, "Not The Bradys XXX" is not for you if you ask me. If you do like it, there's two four more.