It's odd, but since I've been back from Poland I've been perhaps overly aware of personal space. Like a feral cat, I become curious about human contact but easily spooked- a lack of sexual contact or context has left me unsure how to handle cuddling with my lovers.

Work is easier. First, I'm usually the Domme, so I get to decide how much contact and it's on my terms. There's an end point, so if I set an expectation high I don't have to do it again, I can just not session with that person anymore. I'm also not going to hurt someone's feelings, the way I might if I shrink away from a lover.

It's odd, being in this sexual world when I'm not really that sexual privately. It's not because of the work I do, I don't think- I get a different sort of rush out of it, the rush of power I suppose, though I have been surprised at how turned on I get in scene. I have recognized through my work that kink is very important for turning me on- erotic massage doesn't do it for me, but if I get to slap your face, my clit responds for sure.

No, I think that as I don't often cum with a partner, sex can be disappointing, because either I'm working for the other person's orgasm, or I'm just wishing I could cum more easily. Working for the other person's orgasm is fun, sure, but I have to be in the right space to put the energy into it... if I've had 3 clients that week, I might be a bit used up in that department. Also, the less sex I have, the less I desire, so it goes into a spiral. MENTALLY I desire the closeness, the intimacy, the orgasms- but I have so much experience with people complaining their wrists hurt, or not being able to maintain a sensation, or just not quite getting there, that I've given up. Things that are different make it easier- sex outdoors, sex in public, sex with strangers, trying something new I haven't incorporated into my play already- those things make me cum hard. But they make me cum hard because they're rare.

Physical touch, then, becomes almost sexual for me, because it's not something I tend to do just for the sake of it. I mean, I'm a hugger, that's ok for me- but other than that, I have to remind myself to hold hands, or pet hair, or do whatever. And as it's not so much a way to show me affection (I like service more, or doing something for me because I ask it) it can feel more like a chore than sweet.

Just some musings on the subject after discussing it with my girlfriend yesterday...