So, if you've read my blog for any length of time, you'll know that this is the boy. My boy. My boyfriend, my best friend, my puppy, my little boy, my lover and, who knows, maybe my soulmate.

And I am still crazy in love with him after 1 1/2 years.

It seems unreal. I never thought NRE would last this long, and maybe it hasn't, but I still perk up when I see him, I still feel giant surges of happy when he texts. We like to surprise each other, and it's still fun- I feel like I'm still uncovering pieces of him, and like I'm learning what's important to me. He still sexually excites me, still fascinates me, still makes my heart pitterpatter, even after all the hard shit we've gone through together.

Sometimes I wonder if that's where the distance helps. It's hard, for sure, but I feel like us being apart makes us appreciate each other more. The making time is more pronounced, more purposeful. I feel like being away makes it possible for me to notice the changes he's made, the effort he's gone through to become a better person. And I can see myself changing too, becoming better at communication, wanting to be the best girlfriend and Domme I can be- someone he wants to serve, wants to impress.

I've been thinking about this lately particularly because we've been working a lot on nonmonogamy and what that means for us, how that manifests. It has been a hard fucking road for us both, and probably still will be. I'm not used to being a primary, not used to compromising, not used to checking in. I have been desperately insecure, heatedly jealous, incredibly angry, deeply hurt. And I've wounded him back. We've broken up, we've screamed and rowed, we've stormed out on each other and bawled our eyes out. But we keep coming back together, keep realizing that we both want to walk this road together for a while. And so we keep doing the work- the hard work, the heartbreaking work, the exploration of our psyches. I feel like I want to be with him more than I want to be complacently comfortable, and I think he feels the same.

It means a lot.

I've worried that this is codependency more than it's love. And there were times it was pretty unhealthy. I guess on some level I had internalized the idea that I couldn't really love, as a sex worker, and/or that I would never be considered deserving of love. But each day, I feel a little stronger. I feel like I'm getting closer to the person I want to be, and I've realized that he helps me want to change, gives me strength to confront these fears, just as much as I do that for him. I think I was afraid to let go enough to be in the moment and be in love, because I was scared that I would shatter.

The boy has taught me a lot. I've not always liked the lessons, mind, and they keep coming. But I am really proud of him, proud of how far he's come in confronting his fears, his determination in continuing to grow. He challenges himself so that I can be happy, and he gives me the courage to do the same for him. We're learning, always learning. And I feel, more than I've ever felt, that he's my counterpart, that we can face the world together, hand in hand.

And he went back to meet the fox. "Goodbye" he said.
"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."
"It is the time I have wasted for my rose-- "said the little prince so he would be sure to remember.
"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."

-The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The Little Prince is one of my favourite stories, not least because of this exchange between the fox and the Little Prince. It sings to some inner part of me in a way I can't even explain. It just feels right.

The boy is my fox, and he has tamed me as surely as I have tamed him. Even when I am far away, I see him everywhere I go, and I am endlessly glad I went to that FemDom club that night, that we went on that date, that we took the hard path and grew together.

And he is unique in all the world to me.