Ok, I'm going to warn you.

This is a rant, an exploration, possibly an epiphany.

Now that you've been warned, I shall begin.

Today I got a text from a "bi" guy looking to see if I wanted a guy to work with. No, I really don't- I have a guy, first off, and a stranger sending a text instead of an email? Not a good start. So I said no. He asked who I was as he had apparently spammed lots of people with this, so I told him. Then he started asking if I wanted to get together (this is a classic thing guys do, btw, try to get a free session by claiming they're a sex worker too). I said no, not really, because I play with guys professionally, women personally.

Note: This is, of course, a simplification- I have a male partner, but other than that playing with men is a work thing and I'm kind of unsure if I'd pursue a relationship with a cisguy in the future. Women and trans people are the people I flirt with and desire, more and more each day. More on that later.

He's like "oh, so ur a lesbo?" I kind of did the text version of a shrug and said yeah sure. He didn't stop and leave me alone, btw, oh no! Instead he started to tell me all the fantasies he had about what he wanted to do to me (or at me is perhaps more accurate).

When I didn't respond, he texted more and more (things like "I can't wait to fuck your ass!" and "what size are your tits again?") until I said "Enough. Stop texting me please." Then he went off about how I was a "lesbo whore" (unable to resist, I said, "yeah, I am, and you're an entitled misogynistic asswipe, but are we exchanging insults here or facts?"). The thing that made me really laugh was "u miss out bigtime u yank lesbo".

I'm "missing out"? On what exactly? Misogyny? Dickish behaviour? The attitude that as a woman (esp as an "easy woman" i.e. sex worker) I must have no limits or boundaries but be open to any guy that comes along?

Even more amusingly, he texted me about an hour later just saying hi. Like I wouldn't know who he was. What a douchebag.

This interaction came at an interesting time for me, however. I've realized that, as much as I can appreciate the male form, I am incredibly rarely attracted to straight cismen anymore. Like, never. And queer cismen... well, still pretty rarely. I've changed quite a bit in 10 years- from 17 year old bisexual serial monogamist submissive female, to 22 year old poly pansexual pomosexual switch to 27 year old nonmonogamous queer femme top. So my desire for women, trans people, queers, and non-gender-conforming men was always there, but I still ended up sleeping with and dating straight cismen a lot. Dyke-identified queerness was a tendency I was getting closer and closer to, so it's not out of nowhere, but I'm not sure if it's a nature thing, or a nurture thing- that the more I interact with men, the less I desire them, outside of work.

Why is it different when I'm working? I suspect it's because the rules and boundaries are simple, there- it's therapeutic in nature, most of the work I do, and very infrequently penis-focused- and because the clients I have are respectful of me, and of my identity. My clients are quite intellectual, generally, and appreciate my queerness and my femme-ness without trying to sculpt it to fit their molds of femininity or female desire. I get asked a lot what I enjoy in bed, when I'm at work, while with men outside of work I rarely get asked what I want or need (again, there are exceptions to this, like the boy, who often asks me)- I often feel like their wants and needs are projected on me, instead, and I can go along with it or not, and very often I feel like I attract people who need caring for, and, well, it's exhausting. While the women and non-cismen in my life need care, they are also aware and able to give care equally, and/or able to express the boundaries of the care they can offer.

None of this is absolute, of course- there are always exceptions, and I'm quite lucky to know a few cismen who do not fit this, most of them queer, though some not. But my head doesn't turn for straight cismen anymore, while it does a bit more for queer cismen, and a lot more for transmen and women of various gender expressions.

Now, I've always been primarily attracted to women, but often had primary relationships with men. I've noticed that shifting I would not doubt for a second that part of this is because of the amount of frustration I've had with male privilege in the past few weeks- not just this text, but the guy who grabbed my ass while walking to a bus stop while the boy walked a few paces ahead, and the guy on the bus who nudged and poked me until I took out my headphones to wearily pay attention to him. I am angry about these behaviours, very angry. And furthermore, I'm angry that I've had some feedback when I've complained that it's not entitlement or privilege, but just poor manners, or just guys wanting attention.

When I'm off the clock, I am not here to entertain you. I am not here to pet your head and cater to your masculine desires on your schedule. I am not here to be pretty for you, or sexually available to you, and I don't owe you shit. I'm a sex worker. If you want to have that kind of attention from me, you can book a session and we'll negotiate terms. Maybe that's what angers me so much- the lack of communication, of negotiation, of boundaries. The lack of personal space. The assumption that as a woman it is somehow my place to be objectified and projected upon.

No.

Sorry. I gaze back, and if I don't like what I see I'll tell you to shove off.

So, yeah. I think maybe this guy unwittingly created an epiphany. Maybe I am, actually, a lesbo whore. Or a queer femme dyke whore, but you get the point. And seriously? I'm not going to take this shit quietly anymore.