Well, incredibly quickly- I won my erotic award for Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society. :) I'm very pleased about it, and hope to get back into it soon. I miss having a space for women to enjoy porn without it being a sexual environment.

Anyway. That's not ultimately what I wanted to blog about. I have a couple rolling around in my brain, but, first things first.

My boypup is going on a play date with someone tomorrow- the first time he's been on a date with someone where play is on the agenda. Meanwhile, I've had clients, and had two sexual encounters personally... yet I'm the one who's struggling here.

It took TM to tell me something that really clarified my fear-based jealousy- she said "the pup isn't Sh. He loves YOU, not the kink you do for him. He cares about you, not the kink".

I hadn't realized it, but that's what's making me mental. Yes, despite being nonmonogamous, I am a mentalist about sharing my boy. Now, this is a platonic playdate for the pup to try out one of his big fetishes- adult baby. It's not something I'm definitely into- I'm curious, certainly, but I don't feel like I have a maternal bone in my body (and the whole AB thing is for another blog anyway- I kinda discussed it a while ago, too, if you're curious). But I think I have a terror that pup's attraction to me IS because he's into the kinks I'll do. It's silly, because we do a lot more than kinky play. But it's definitely damage from Sh, who ultimately was into the kink- I was incidental. And I know how huge it is to finally get to do a kink you know you're into, you've just never found someone else into it. I'm scared he'll realize that his kink for AB is more... substantial than his love for me.

I've had all the reassurances, and we're going to get together after his playdate to talk about it. I don't really fear that the other woman he's going to play with will steal him away, for multiple reasons. I guess it's really about the play. I half wish I was into it, and could be a mommy type, but it's just not in me. And I think, in a lot of ways, it's better for him to do it with someone else, as I'd worry it would negatively impact our day to day relationship. I just feel incredibly nervous and a bit sad.

The pup is not Sh. I know that. I can't even begin to explain how lovely and loving the pup has been while I fussed and flailed around nonmonogamy and our relationship and what I need to feel safe. I'm not always sure how to respect my past experiences without punishing the current situation. I can't pretend Sh didn't fuck me up emotionally. All I can do is try to take care of myself, and know I can't and don't want to be everything to my boypup. And trust him.

I suck at trust. ::sigh::

Also, I have to say how much I completely HATE that the boypup doesn't seem to get jealous about relationship stuff. I sleep with other people, and he feels glad I'm having a nice time. Which, logically, is lovely, but emotionally drives me batty- I can't give him a point of reference, can't say "you know that time you felt insecure because of that other guy?", because that doesn't happen. So instead I feel like I'm constantly the mentalist, constantly feeling weird and uncertain and twitchy. It's never overemotion shared, just me spazzing out on my own.

But I do love him, and I want him to be happy, and I can sleep with other people, so it's only fair he has a playdate. The world won't end. I know that. All I can do really is close my eyes and jump in, hoping for the best. I feel ridiculous, as I've been doing this poly shit for years- yet sometimes I feel like I'm completely naive.

What do you do when you know you're being completely unreasonable but you still feel mental and scared and lost?