I've worn a diaper, once.


It was for this charm bracelet I have, where each charm symbolizes some kinky act. I don't even remember what the charm was I earned, actually- but the task was to ride my bike with my boyfriend at the time to dinner and a movie ("Paris, je t'aime", from what I recall) and then back to his flat, and I was told I was not allowed to go use the bathroom once while we were out. I remember being embarrassed by the crinkliness of it, certain that everyone around me knew EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON, which of course was totally false, and the point of the exercise in the first place. I didn't pee in the diaper.


A big reason I didn't is because I wet my pants until I was about 10. I'm not sure why, really- I just always had really shitty bladder control. I remember peeing myself at a karate lesson, which was horrible, and again in third grade in front of my class. I was always terrible at minding the warning signs! So I have a lot of trauma around wetting myself. When I had a friend who wanted me to wet my jeans, I just couldn't, and gave myself a cramp because I just couldn't do it. Here in the UK, I have a hard time peeing in a carpeted bathroom. Every once in a while even now I almost don't make it to the toilet in time. This is, of course, something that has always carried a lot of shame with it, and something I've not really told people before. 


I was never the sort of little girl who had baby dolls. I had American Girl dolls, and I liked them, but I liked the books a lot more, and didn't end up playing imagination games with them much. I tended to focus on playing lawyer or vet with my cats as clients, or playing mad scientist in the school playground. I played Salem Witch Trials with my Barbies, and was way more interested in animals than human babies.


I've always been dimly aware of the adult baby community, more thanks to the ageplay community in San Francisco, but I haven't really engaged in it. I did a little bit of Daddy/girl play here and there, and I had a session once in which I played a mummy role (which was horrifying) but, hell, I hang out with the Burning Man community- doing colouring books, watching Disney, playing in playgrounds, etc are pretty normal for them. I never felt a need to regress, to really play the role of a little girl, as I could basically go in and out of that role all the time. I mean, I was a girl who dressed like a fairy for work when I used to work at Hot Topic.

Then I met my boy. And he's really into the adult baby thing- nappies, onesies, romper suits, pacifiers, the whole shebang. To be honest, when he first told me I panicked inside- I don't like REAL babies, how on earth could I provide space for an adult wanting to regress?? Then I thought about it, considered that one of my Domme archetypes is a 5 year old spoiled brat, and that I got into kink as a psychological thing thanks to a lover who regressed to about 4 or 5 when I beat him enough, and realized that ageplay was something I got, just not babies. And then I realized further that what threw me, ultimately, was that it WASN'T sexual for him. I get it, as a kink- age regression equals a type of submission very much like pet play, where someone else is in control of you, where you depend on them, and I mean, it's taboo, so there's an appeal there.

But that's not what it is, for him. It's about putting on the bib and the onesie and crawling around gurgling to yourself and playing with your feet. Like a real baby. And I have no idea what to do with that. I mean, when I'm around a real baby I generally just shift uncomfortably, make the appropriate "aww, how cute" noises and escape as soon as I can. I can handle kids when they can speak, but before then I'm so perplexed. I'm like a cat that drowns her first litter because she has no idea how to mother them.

This is my boyfriend, though. I love him. I want to play at the supportive parental figure sometimes, for him. But god, I'm not practiced with babysitting, and what if I laugh, and if I'm the "parent", I can't just run away if it's just too awkward! I also wonder if I'm going to end up processing my own mentalisms about family and having kids and my own determination that spawning would be the worst possible idea for me.

Or maybe it'd be really healing. I have no idea.

But the problem I keep having is that NO ONE talks about this sensibly, really. I've messaged a few people on Fetlife who do the Mummy thing, and no one writes back. Daddies? There's lots of support for Daddies. But Mummies seem to be scarce, and when I ask questions about what they do, and if they've been where I am now, there's no answer, or I just get a mailbox full of badly written emails asking if I want a 24-7 nappy-wearing baby who's in his mid forties. Frankly? No I do not.

(side note- there are an awful lot of really hot young boys into this. That is, sort of, an incentive to figure out what my block is around it.)

I feel a bit like I have post-partum depression- anxious, guilty, overwhelmed, confused. I mean, I worry all the time if my lack of a maternal instinct is some sort of failing, not as a woman, but as a human being. Thankfully I'm working this out with a lover who is actually my age and can therefore reassure me that I'm not mentally fucked up because I'm struggling with this.

What's interesting is that I can get into the gear- the big cribs, the clothes, the cuteness. I love the activities- going to museums or the zoo, drinking apple juice, playing games, etc. What keeps getting me stuck is the fear that I am not actually a human who can connect with spawn of any kind. I already have weird issues with snuggling and touchy-feelyness, I'm pretty awkward at physical comfort. And if that was by choice I would be ok with it, but it doesn't feel chosen, it feels like some sort of weird trauma reaction where I just recoil instinctively. I have no idea why.

I don't have the same worries as the little girl, either. I'm more and more comfortable with that. Hell, I still sleep with a blankie and Mr Gordo. Who'm I to judge, really?

I'm sure I'll keep pondering this and trying to figure out what I actually feel about it. I'll revisit this again at some point, I'm sure. Til then... I'll just go back to my tentacle rape, furries, splosh, and genderqueer Daddy smut. You know, NORMAL stuff. ;)